Sunday, October 31, 2010

the sky is brilliantly blue, the clouds are wisps of flotsam, the tree stretch up. the last of the leaves are falling. my favorite season seems to be prematurely winding down. dust motes meander through the curtains, the cat stares intently at something outside, that I simply cannot find. the quiet that I am trying to create is overthrown by a demanding almost three year old. She is so much of me that sometimes, I find her frustrating in the very same context I irritate myself. Her stubbornness, her precise personality, and her pushing of independence is her holding a mirror up to me.

I am struggling a lot lately, as I have done a lot since S was born, with just where I am going. I feel so incredibly direction less. I'm not saying I was structured to the T before, but I at least felt much more able to accomplish what I wanted. I have such internal conflict about what I want. It's like I just realized I am approaching 30 with no career, no experience, and while I went to college, there is nothing there to fall back on. I tell myself it is okay to be "just a mom" but it's just not how I see myself. I honestly never saw myself having children, I always thought I'd just have a career and travel for that, live in a big city etc. And I struggle with that woman inside of me who still wants those things. I completely suck at finding any type of balance, whether is emotional, relationship, food-related. I feel like if I go back to school, choose a career, I will be done with kids. Mainly I say that because I don't want to put my kids in daycare or go back to school, go into debt just to get pregnant, stay home again and then not even start working for a good time after that. But I'm pretty certain I am not done. If we could right now, without finances being an issue, I think we'd be more open to babies. But since we struggle so completely right now, another baby to feed, cloth etc just seems irresponsible. This kind of internal conflict is so wasteful because I feel like I am not in the now, with always looking forward to figure out what is next. I honestly wish I could just have a life planner sit me down and tell me how to manage, what/where I should be doing. I guess that'd be God, huh?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

dear light. dear early morning love. sunshine filters softly through the pale blue curtains. the house stirs gently. i hear the cat eating her food and the dog fluffling her bed. S calls out. The morning begins. Little footsteps slap the hardwood floors. She drags her pillow behind her, "can I snuggle with you?" Flop sounds the pillow on the bed, creak says the bedframe as she poses her toes on the edge to get on the bed. J wraps his arm around me, S snuggles into me and meows, shoving her kitty lovey into my face. The alarm sounds and S shoots out of bed to turn it off, "I do it!" the expression that is heard the most during these days lately. And the miracle of it all, is she actually can do all these things, suddenly, unexpectedly. We snuggle for a few more minutes, craving the calm of morning.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window...gray clouds, a bit of blue sky, leaves blowing by
I am night tomorrow
I am thankful for...the glory of fall
From the crisp! i made it yesterday and had it for breakfast, so good with coffee!
I am wearing...leggings, a tunic and sweater
I am creating...just have been writing lately
I am going...get ready to run errands in a bit. No real plans today, it's really nice!
I am reading...just finished a few books, and I need to get some new ones from the library! Lately it's just been cookbooks.
I am hoping...that our prayers are heard
I am hearing...the traffic go by
Around the clean
One of my favorite things...quiet time
A few plans for the rest of the week: easy day today, then dd is going to her grandparents tomorrow night! maybe pumpkins this weekend depends on the weather!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Enjoying complete silence. S is in bed. J left to the store. Nag champa burning. I can hear the clocks around the house ticking. Wondering if my body is ever going to feel healed after the d&c. Pain sometimes wracks my body so suddenly, it takes my breathe away. The cat is nestled into the back of the couch, the dog is dreaming flicking her feet back and forth, making noises. I wonder what she dreams about. Silence is a completely different form of wonderful, when your child is finally sleeping, your spouse is not around. It's very unfamiliar. I tend to not know what to do with myself when this very rarely occurs. I can hear the cars driving past our house. The calmness of evening. I feel overloaded by noise most of the day. I wake to a kitty cat of a girl meowing in my face, shrieking to get up as the days light hasn't even broken through the sky. I remind myself to remember the blessing of her, of her life, living, breathing, moving healthy body. She sleeps completely alone in her own room now, a goal we'd been working towards for ever but I really miss her in bed curled between J and I. Her little hands reaching out for me, her feet on my legs, her baby breathe when she snuggles close. Now I get morning snuggles for a few minutes, because she is just such a busy girl. We play hide under the covers every morning while waiting for J to get out of the shower. She giggles when he asks just where oh where can she be? I get her to lay in our bed until I can see light peaking from behind our curtains. The days have been starting so coldly, the frost blanketing our lawn, the trees. I love the stark morning sky, the world just stumbling onto itself, the new possibilities that today my heart will feel healed. The blessing of everyday. That no matter how frustrated I feel, I know that I am beyond blessed just to hold one of my children in my arms, that I get to see her smile, and grow. The silence is good, meditative.

Monday, October 4, 2010

physical memory. emotions rushing back through sensation. fear and terror. upset and loss. it's impossible to heal when your body keeps putting you through the motions. my body capable of carrying, capable of loosing. of ending a life it chose to start. it's this constant seemingly unending spiral i am spinning in. my body isn't healed, my heart isn't, my head is no where near sane. half of the time i force it out of my head, force myself to ignore the pain and the other half my body overwhelms me, strangles me, leaves me choking on my memories. yesterday i broke down and cried. not even a cry that brings relief, but just a cry that lets out the craziness inside, the racking, sobbing that hurts and made me unable to catch my breath. it comes out of nowhere and latches on like a shark, refusing to let go, to let me come above the surface.

i spend too much time fantasizing about the future. too much time buried in the past. i have a difficult time being in the now. staying focused on what is here, in front of me and tangible. it's so much easier to wallow or to daydream.

i had a thought of how peaceful it must to be to be sure of your afterlife. to be certain in your faith or beliefs as to where you will end up. i mostly feel like i'm lost.