One Bird Mama

2012-02-11T19:31:00.002-05:00

today was quiet. slept in with the baby. drank coffee, ate toast. played puzzles with S. Got 2 hours of time with the little man while J and S ran errands, we napped, nursed, snuggled. had an awesome cup of chai. roasted sweet potatoes, parsnips, carrots, asparagus and onion to eat with a roasted chicken. baked chocolate chip biscuits for dessert. watched the snow fall. caught a cooking show. J finished the downstairs carpeting. there is such sweetness to be had it the simple days. i had planned to go out and run errands, and to go to a diapering event but vetoed it. it was so nice to stay in and have that be the only plans for the day. i can't remember the last time i made a nice saturday dinner. and i am even planning a nice dinner for tomorrow. the weeks can be so hard when i am stuck inside the house with the kids and we are irritating each other. but then when we choose to stay in and just enjoy it and are present, it's so so wonderful.

Oh! Hello!

2012-02-02T16:14:00.002-05:00

Hello blog that I completely forgot about! You are still lovely and I hope to give you the much needed attention you deserve. I could probably hack out a post right now with the baby passed out in my lap and S watching a movie but what to say?

A lot has changed in the year since I've been here.
A brand new baby boy came into our world in August 2011. My daughter turned 4. 4!!! DH and I have been together for 8 years.
My parents moved out of state. For the first time ever in my life they aren't a quick car ride away.
I've showed myself I'm stronger and braver and smarter and more able than I ever gave myself credit for.

Maybe that much hasn't changed? shrug. My thoughts aren't that organized right now. I hope to come back.

2011-01-12T16:37:00.003-05:00

I'm a blogging slacker. seriously. I have lots to write and to say but for the most part I have a 3yo that pries my computer out of my hands most of the time.

We started a no tech Tuesdays along with no spend January this month. so far both are going well. our no tech just means that after J gets home from work, no computers, tv, phones etc are allowed. I wanted to do it during the day but I'm a facebook junkie (I should just delete it) and our tv is our source of radio through Pandora. It's quite nice to have such quiet at night but made me feel so sad that we actually had to make it a rule. Once mild weather rolls around tv/tech isn't a big issue but with winter it seems like we are parked in front of the tv way too much at night.

No spend January is also pretty good, we've made a few flubs but it's more due to not including them in the rules. We are just going easy on it, no new stuff basically just no new useless things that are clutter are allowed. We obviously allow food, soap, gas for the Jeep and bills but if we absolutely HAVE to buy something it has to be thrifted. Which is good because S suddenly seemed to outgrow her snow pants and I found an awesome LL Bean pair for $6 at a kids consignment shop. What's even better is that with no spending and some Christmas money we will be further ahead this month than we've been (sadly) in a long time. I think we are most likely going to extend and do a Frugal February and a No Madness March ;) I'd like to push for the whole year but I know it's probably not completely feasible since there are some things coming up that will require money. But hopefully we can work those into account and avoid all other spending.

I haven't been to the gym in ummm for freakin' ever. I pulled my neck really really badly and basically at this point am just getting back to feeling normal. I need to go and just walk on the treadmill but it's so lame to do that. I'm on a no running order from my Chiro who thinks that my cold and the impact of running on my spine is what caused it. I keep telling myself I'll go but I haven't and I HATE paying for it every month and not use it. So yes I need to go back. and no I can't get out of the contract, it would cost a bit more than we could swing.

I need to go finish up dinner. here's hoping someone actually reads this.

2011-01-04T16:29:00.001-05:00

planning to do a real post soon.

2010-12-02T07:04:00.002-05:00

I woke on Monday with a crick in my neck. All day long it improves, then I go to bed and when I wake up it's progressively worse. Today I can hardly turn my head right. I have a cold that just won't quit. I feel like my body is busy taking care of something else or healing elsewhere that the rest just ignored.

I picked back up on my running now that I can at least breathe out of my nose. I'm not certain if I'm going to go with a half marathon in May or if I just want to run the training plan. So far I'm up to running 4 miles, which to me is incredible...considering when I started at the gym back in August I was just walking, then barely running a mile, then 2 felt like death and now 4. I'd heard that the longer you run the easier it gets, and it's true. 4 seems a lot easier than 2 because I really get into my groove and breathing. Hopefully tonight I'll make it to the gym and run my 3.

2010-11-22T08:04:00.003-05:00

We are approaching 4 months since loosing Anneli. I would have been 30 weeks right now. It's hard not to do the "shoulds and woulds" I should be pregnant. I should have been pregnant for Thanksgiving, S birthday, Christmas, New Year. I was looking forward to be pregnant through the winter. Sometimes I lay down at night and imagine what my belly would feel like underneath my hands. I think constantly of pregnancy, babies, my baby. I tried so hard to tell myself that I am okay and don't want another, but it feels more defensive than truthful. The other night as sick as I felt, throbbing head, fever, burning throat I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her small body as it came out. Her hands by her face. Her feet, her knees, her tiny bottom, her ears, her sweet closed eyes. Before getting pregnant I had foolishly been praying for a girl born in winter (which she would have been)...and now I don't care if I have to be pregnant in 95* weather I just want a healthy baby who makes it full term, who is born healthy, who stays with me on this earth.

2010-11-21T17:22:00.000-05:00

I am totally making these for Thanksgiving. I love pie, so pie on a stick?! Could it be any better?

2010-11-10T08:42:00.002-05:00

The indoor season is already underway, and so early on there are signs of craziness. The cat restlessly prowls the house, meowing at the windows, at my feet for some attention, some diversion from the lockdown feeling in the house. The dog goes out only to come running back full force, pounding her feet into the back door, scratching repeatedly to be let in from the chill. She is relentless when S tries to play, pouncing at her, trying to play with the toys alongside. It would normally be very cute, but S screams at her, shrieks, cries basically has a freakout if the dog attempts to play with her...unless it's on her terms. I already feel burnout from being in the house so much.

I want to start some semblance of school this year with S. I have to break our morning routine. Mornings are S waking in her room around 5:45/6am, she'll turn her music on, her lights and play while J and I try to sleep until 6:15ish. Then I take S downstairs, make coffee, turn on music, play a bit, have some fruit. We take J to work at 7:30 (only 1 car) then come back....then she watches Curious George for 15 minutes and if I'm lazy something after that. She has come to expect tv in the morning and I don't like her watching it for an hour, but I use it as a way to play online, make lists for the day, or just read. I'm not against her watching 15 minutes of CG, it just her constant begging for it which makes me realize I need to stop having the tv on. MWF we are usually at the gym by 9am -not today though- so that's our usual routine. I guess I'm thinking if I'm going to do specific "school" activities I'd like to do them earlier in the day. I know she's young and is just learning by being around all day but I do like the idea of getting into a school time pattern so next year when we begin preschool things she'll know what to expect. Even if it's just 30 minutes of looking at letters, or tracing, or something.

2010-11-01T08:29:00.002-04:00

today is the first day of nanowrimo. i signed up figuring it would be a great way to exercise some pent up mental needs, but i've never considered writing a novel. i think i'm more of a scattered poetry, scribbler. i figure i'll just start typing and see what happens.

i want to skip the gym this morning and just clean my house. i have a ridiculous pile of laundry to put away, how do 3 people accumulate so much? it was a little more understandable to have more laundry when we were cloth diapering but now it just feels a bit extreme. i've gotten rid of so much clothing but still i feel like it's too much. S has a criminal amount of clothing, and it's all very nice, but i can't help but ponder why an almost 3 year old has so many worldly possessions.

i want to rearrange furniture, scrub floors, tidy closets. Is that strange? i feel like a house is an overwhelming garden of weeds some days, that is just so tedious to maintain. I think about all the stuff we have, we could easily do without, but J has holding tendencies that makes getting rid of more difficult. While it's nice to have nice things, I definitely feel bogged down by it. With S's birthday and the holidays coming up, I dread the influx that will come into our house. I'd much rather she just received money towards college than any gifts.

Time for more coffee and cleaning.

2010-10-31T08:53:00.003-04:00

the sky is brilliantly blue, the clouds are wisps of flotsam, the tree stretch up. the last of the leaves are falling. my favorite season seems to be prematurely winding down. dust motes meander through the curtains, the cat stares intently at something outside, that I simply cannot find. the quiet that I am trying to create is overthrown by a demanding almost three year old. She is so much of me that sometimes, I find her frustrating in the very same context I irritate myself. Her stubbornness, her precise personality, and her pushing of independence is her holding a mirror up to me.

I am struggling a lot lately, as I have done a lot since S was born, with just where I am going. I feel so incredibly direction less. I'm not saying I was structured to the T before, but I at least felt much more able to accomplish what I wanted. I have such internal conflict about what I want. It's like I just realized I am approaching 30 with no career, no experience, and while I went to college, there is nothing there to fall back on. I tell myself it is okay to be "just a mom" but it's just not how I see myself. I honestly never saw myself having children, I always thought I'd just have a career and travel for that, live in a big city etc. And I struggle with that woman inside of me who still wants those things. I completely suck at finding any type of balance, whether is emotional, relationship, food-related. I feel like if I go back to school, choose a career, I will be done with kids. Mainly I say that because I don't want to put my kids in daycare or go back to school, go into debt just to get pregnant, stay home again and then not even start working for a good time after that. But I'm pretty certain I am not done. If we could right now, without finances being an issue, I think we'd be more open to babies. But since we struggle so completely right now, another baby to feed, cloth etc just seems irresponsible. This kind of internal conflict is so wasteful because I feel like I am not in the now, with always looking forward to figure out what is next. I honestly wish I could just have a life planner sit me down and tell me how to manage, what/where I should be doing. I guess that'd be God, huh?

2010-10-26T08:14:00.002-04:00

dear light. dear early morning love. sunshine filters softly through the pale blue curtains. the house stirs gently. i hear the cat eating her food and the dog fluffling her bed. S calls out. The morning begins. Little footsteps slap the hardwood floors. She drags her pillow behind her, "can I snuggle with you?" Flop sounds the pillow on the bed, creak says the bedframe as she poses her toes on the edge to get on the bed. J wraps his arm around me, S snuggles into me and meows, shoving her kitty lovey into my face. The alarm sounds and S shoots out of bed to turn it off, "I do it!" the expression that is heard the most during these days lately. And the miracle of it all, is she actually can do all these things, suddenly, unexpectedly. We snuggle for a few more minutes, craving the calm of morning.

Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-10-21T08:31:00.002-04:00

Outside my window...gray clouds, a bit of blue sky, leaves blowing by
I am thinking...date night tomorrow
I am thankful for...the glory of fall
From the kitchen...apple crisp! i made it yesterday and had it for breakfast, so good with coffee!
I am wearing...leggings, a tunic and sweater
I am creating...just have been writing lately
I am going...get ready to run errands in a bit. No real plans today, it's really nice!
I am reading...just finished a few books, and I need to get some new ones from the library! Lately it's just been cookbooks.
I am hoping...that our prayers are heard
I am hearing...the traffic go by
Around the house...is clean
One of my favorite things...quiet time
A few plans for the rest of the week: easy day today, then dd is going to her grandparents tomorrow night! maybe pumpkins this weekend depends on the weather!

2010-10-20T19:21:00.003-04:00

Enjoying complete silence. S is in bed. J left to the store. Nag champa burning. I can hear the clocks around the house ticking. Wondering if my body is ever going to feel healed after the d&c. Pain sometimes wracks my body so suddenly, it takes my breathe away. The cat is nestled into the back of the couch, the dog is dreaming flicking her feet back and forth, making noises. I wonder what she dreams about. Silence is a completely different form of wonderful, when your child is finally sleeping, your spouse is not around. It's very unfamiliar. I tend to not know what to do with myself when this very rarely occurs. I can hear the cars driving past our house. The calmness of evening. I feel overloaded by noise most of the day. I wake to a kitty cat of a girl meowing in my face, shrieking to get up as the days light hasn't even broken through the sky. I remind myself to remember the blessing of her, of her life, living, breathing, moving healthy body. She sleeps completely alone in her own room now, a goal we'd been working towards for ever but I really miss her in bed curled between J and I. Her little hands reaching out for me, her feet on my legs, her baby breathe when she snuggles close. Now I get morning snuggles for a few minutes, because she is just such a busy girl. We play hide under the covers every morning while waiting for J to get out of the shower. She giggles when he asks just where oh where can she be? I get her to lay in our bed until I can see light peaking from behind our curtains. The days have been starting so coldly, the frost blanketing our lawn, the trees. I love the stark morning sky, the world just stumbling onto itself, the new possibilities that today my heart will feel healed. The blessing of everyday. That no matter how frustrated I feel, I know that I am beyond blessed just to hold one of my children in my arms, that I get to see her smile, and grow. The silence is good, meditative.

2010-10-04T08:14:00.002-04:00

physical memory. emotions rushing back through sensation. fear and terror. upset and loss. it's impossible to heal when your body keeps putting you through the motions. my body capable of carrying, capable of loosing. of ending a life it chose to start. it's this constant seemingly unending spiral i am spinning in. my body isn't healed, my heart isn't, my head is no where near sane. half of the time i force it out of my head, force myself to ignore the pain and the other half my body overwhelms me, strangles me, leaves me choking on my memories. yesterday i broke down and cried. not even a cry that brings relief, but just a cry that lets out the craziness inside, the racking, sobbing that hurts and made me unable to catch my breath. it comes out of nowhere and latches on like a shark, refusing to let go, to let me come above the surface.

i spend too much time fantasizing about the future. too much time buried in the past. i have a difficult time being in the now. staying focused on what is here, in front of me and tangible. it's so much easier to wallow or to daydream.

i had a thought of how peaceful it must to be to be sure of your afterlife. to be certain in your faith or beliefs as to where you will end up. i mostly feel like i'm lost.

2010-09-30T08:15:00.002-04:00

My mind is absolutely frazzled this morning, why does S insist on waking at 5am? Why when I finally convince her to come into our bed so I might possibly catch a bit of sleep does she curl up to me and kick me, talk to me and sneeze on my face? All while J sleeps right through it? 5 hours is about half the amount of sleep I need. I even went to bed early at 10, read until just after 11 but then it took me past midnight to fall asleep. It didn't help that the last chapter of the book I'm reading talked about the death of a little girl.

Right now I'm okay with having a quiet morning, even though my list of errands is pretty long.

Last night my dad gave me my grandma's sweet 16 ring that her father had given her. I don't think I'd seen it before, it's really beautiful. Reminds me a lot of my engagement ring that was my grandma's (my moms) He also showed me some pictures of his grandfather, and all his tattoos, drivers licenses...one was especially cool, from Panama in the 1920s. Sometimes the lack of knowledge about my own history is upsetting, and lack of family as a whole. I truly love my family, I just wish my parents would talk openly about their families. I know my dad has a ton of pictures of his; I'd truly love a picture of my grandma on her wedding day. It's so strange to look at pictures of people you've never met and to see yourself so clearly in their faces. But it's also interesting to hear about the parts of Germany we come from, how far back we can trace, family that is now in the states. ramble ramble.

Back to the ring, I'm going to take it into the jewelers today and have it looked at. I don't think the stones have been checked in a long long time and the gold needs a good cleaning. My dad said he wants me to pass it onto S when she turns 16. I think that would be beautiful.

2010-09-26T07:51:00.002-04:00

It feels like a lifetime has passed in the span of two months. Only 2 months, 8 weeks. really? that's all it's been? I have placed the loss at the back of my mind, hidden in a chamber. I try not to allow myself access; I don't know if I'm just not ready to deal with it or don't know how to deal with it. So for right now I practice ignorance and blind refusal to confront my pain.

I woke up early this morning, absolutely freezing. It's so strange to wake to total darkness. I find it disorienting. I'd way rather stay in warm blankets and hide. Siiri wakes as early as can be, every single day. I instantly wake to the thought of coffee. She climbed into our bed this morning to snuggle and laid next to me chewing on my hair. She smelled like fresh fruit and sleepy breathe.

The cold air I've been craving seems to be settling in. The crispness of morning, the smell of cold, the leaves dotting our lawn. The only problem with the cold weather is that it encourages my reclusive tendencies. I feel like some days I force myself out of the house, because there are definitely days I'd rather just hide from the world.

Breakfast biscuits are warmed, I can smell them. Coffee is done. Time for both.

2010-05-08T13:22:00.002-04:00

just about mother's day, just about my birthday.

I have a bouquet of pink roses, a lily plant and a huge pink plant that I don't know the name of, sitting next to me making our dining room smell divine.

I have morning glories and sunflowers growing that seem to have sprouted overnight from the hand of God. They are incredible! I will have to move them from their trays soon. They are spilling over, crawling up and out to grab onto any ray of sunlight they can.

My brother sent me a beautiful azalea plant for my birthday/mother's day. The UPS guy though didn't seem to care that it was a living plant and left it upside down outside in the rain. So when I opened it the poor plant was split in half but at least the other half is salvageable. Wonderfully enough the company he ordered it from is sending me a new one when I called to tell them I had in fact received half a plant. I cannot wait for it to be warm enough to plant them outside.

I have picked out all my plants for the house for the most part. A lot will depend on cost at time of buying, but I'm hoping to get in forsythias, lilacs, hostas, a japanese maple, and a few other various plants, trees, shrubs. Come fall I am going to plant as many daffodils, tulips and hyacinths as I can afford because I LOVE them all.

S has seemed to potty train herself overnight. Or at least she is finally using the potty, telling me she has to go and going. Which is wonderful because I've really just been lax about it, we've had a potty for her since her 1st birthday and she's used it on and off. But she's had a wicked rash this week from her molars so I thought I'd just let her go nudie booty and she has taken right to it! J and I are pretty surprised because the past few weeks she has been adamantly refusing to go anywhere near it! The second I stopped asking her to use it she went for it! I am just hoping it keeps up, I am so tired of washing diapers! Plus then if she's trained I can start turning all her bumgenius' into snap diapers just in case another little shows up ;)

I wish our weather would just pick a way it wants to be. Last week we were outside every day in summer clothes, I even set up S's kiddie splash pad it was so hot over the weekend. And now it's rainy, cold and I had to turn the heat back on. We are having crazy winds and thunderstorms, I can see out our window that our neighbors very large tree has fallen over in their yard. The birds are helter skelter trying to stay steady in the winds. The newly budded trees seem confused as more leaves depart than come forth. It's fall in the midst of spring.

I have more to say, just not right now. The house is quiet and I should take advantage of it by watching my Queen Elizabeth movie. or maybe Pride and Prejudice. with some tea.

2010-04-18T09:25:00.002-04:00

I slept so long last night. Deep deep sleep with the babe, who really isn't a babe anymore but a toddler. We were curled up on her mattress (next to ours) and just zonked out around 9pm and slept until 7 this morning. I can't remember the last I slept so long and solid. It was much needed after this past week where I barely slept for more than 4-6 hour intervals.

It is so so cold out today, and rainy. What to do today?

Our house looks like the "Malcolm in the Middle" house currently. We have ripped up all the old bricks, pulled out all the nasty spider hoarding plants and are preparing to scrape down the house to paint it. But right now it just looks ridiculously bad. And of course our neighbors just put their house up for sale. It makes me laugh because honestly I would never buy a house if the neighbors looked like ours!
When we bought our house it was the only house we could find that really fit our budget comfortably and still put us in a really nice neighborhood, close to everything etc. But the people that lived here before us were disturbingly good at hiding all their laziness when it came to house keeping. So now we are playing fix up with just about everything.

We have painted all the rooms in the house except the living room...mainly because I have no idea what color to paint it. It needs to be done because it has marks on it and they were smokers so on warm days you can smell the stink come out. It just makes me mad how much they lied to us when we bought this house. But it's ours now and we have a ton of work to do on it.

This summer we need to paint the house, landscape the front and back yard, finish the back door, replace the side and front doors (heavy and screen), replace a handful of windows, paint the garage and rip up the last remaining carpet in the living room.

Now that S's bed is back in our room because putting it in her room was pointless, I am debating putting a good majority of her toys upstairs and out of our living room. I have a constant need to rearrange and move things in our house. I get so bored, frustrated, bogged down when the house is the same all the time. Frustrated I guess. But then I tell myself what's the point when she moves into her room all this stuff will come back downstairs. Although that actually happening anytime soon doesn't seem likely.

I went to the dentist for the first time in 13 years a few weeks ago. Of course they found a slew of bad teeth so just yesterday I went for my first session to get 3 fillings done. It wasn't awful honestly. I did have a panic attack when I got there because I didn't know what to expect but now that I do I feel like it's completely something feasible. So I have more fillings to get, then I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled. This I've heard hurts. But I know it has to get done. And I feel like I've learned my lesson. There is no reason to avoid the dentist what so ever, especially after having to put all this money into fixing my mouth, where if I had just gone all along I wouldn't have to! Plus I am looking forward to actually having my teeth be painfree. Crazy what we put up with because we just don't know any different. The pain I'd learned to live with and it was so easily fixed!

I think it's time for more coffee.

This morning

2010-04-14T08:46:00.002-04:00

I am achy. Nothing makes me feel old more than an achy body. But the reasoning is silly...it's because I laid down with S for nap yesterday and instead of getting back up, I propped myself up so I could watch Weeds while she slept. Which put my back and neck in an awkward position and when we got up I must have pulled my neck and left shoulder. Pathetic! Last night she stayed in her twin bed until 4am so at least I have a long time to lay flat and somewhat stretch my back out. But it still makes me feel old.
It's not like a post workout pain, where at least I can rationalize it and almost feel proud that my workout was so good it hurt. It's just a you're getting old and things start to pull kind of hurt. Oh well.

It is a beautiful sunny morning. I am waiting for it to get up past 40 so I can hang some clothes out on the line. THE LINE! This is our second summer here and we finally got our line up...it's perfect for our yard, small and retractable. I was hoping to get diapers out on the line but I needed them before I could let them sun dry. I am thinking I'll just lay out enough for today and put the rest out just to get some sun.

I have discovered that our big ol' boxer mix dog has been sleeping like a cat on the back our couch. Which makes me feel so frustrated considering I put up baby gates on the couch so she won't lay on the cushions, I guess that's just not enough!

Not much more to say. Going to hobble off to the library soon. How exciting.

I always have great ideas

2010-04-12T08:25:00.005-04:00

about what to write for a blog...that is until I sit down to actually write it.

I find myself constantly writing lists in my head. Things to do, to make, to clean, to cook, to buy, to fix, things I want to write about! Oh mental black hole of forgetfulness you get the better of me sometimes.

I do know I wanted to talk about budgeting. and how crappy and hard it can be. Now that J has quit his second job, the need to budget is even that much more important. Our biggest budget battle is always groceries. One week I can spend $80 then the next $170 then $140 then $100. There is obviously no consistency. So last night I sat down with receipts and started writing out my usual grocery list, but with all the prices this time. I figure now when I go to write my list I can have a price for each item in mind so with every shopping list I can make sure I stay within budget and not get up to the cash out then panic when the cashier says the total. We also went to the farmers market this week and got the majority of our veggies for the week for only $13!

I am hoping every week to create a balance of supplies so that pricier items are spread out better as opposed to me always seeming to run out of them all at once.

Enough budget stuff.
This weekend was great. Busy but fantastic. I have to say I am reveling in the joy of actually having family time. It is very strange to suddenly have a spouse who is around. Things that get put off for when there was time are actually getting done. We have both been doing bedtime with the kiddo, which is amazing. I love all three of us cuddling into our bed, reading, snuggling and watching S fall asleep. All the things that I feel like I've been waiting for emotionally and mentally are happening. I feel really peaceful lately. Which is incredible for me because I'm so used to feeling restless and unsure. Off track here...getting back on...
so yes this weekend was amazing.
Saturday we woke up early to sunshine and decent cool weather (for us that's 40s) We ate some breakfast, bundled up and headed to the farmers market. S kept calling it the "farmers marker" so very cute. We saw some of our favorite farmers from last season there and they all looked like they were doing well. My FAVORITE guy was there with lots of beautiful goodies but by far the best was farm fresh eggs. He said they are hoping to have them 3 weeks of the month because it's only 3 chickens so it's just whatever they lay freely. They were the most beautiful eggs and I'm kicking myself for not taking a picture to post. Browns, tans and two that are the most beautiful shade of pale blue almost grey. You just can't find that at a grocery store. It's not possible.
After we got our veggies we headed over to our bakery guy, I was so SO sad that he didn't have his amazing scones there but got over it when we saw a chocolate mousse layer cake for $5. which is so incredibly cheap for a huge cake :) So of course we HAD to get it ;)

We came home, took our dog for a walk then went to the park. Post park it was naptime for S so she and I laid down. Then J's dad and brother came down for a visit. His brother stayed overnight and I have to say I truly love that guy! He's just the perfect brother in law and S adores him. It was nice because J and I were able to cook and clean up etc while he watched S for us. Just having that extra person made it so ridiculously easy!
Sunday morning J made the MOST delicious breakfast; kebabs with eggs. I put feta and green onions on the top of the eggs....gah SO good. with pita and yogurt...probably the absolute perfect breakfast, at least for me!
After coffee and laying about for a bit after breakfast we got ready for the day and went up to the river to walk. It was absolutely beautiful up there, our dog loved it and S did ok for a bit. But then she wanted to walk, push the stroller, ride in the stroller rinse repeat so we decided it was time for her to eat some lunch. So we hopped back in the car, she ate her lunch on the way to park where we ran her ragged.
BIL went home and we all napped.

All in all the perfect weekend.

2010-04-09T21:27:00.002-04:00

Taking a note from Sarah at Wool and Sticks I don't have much to say but I will throw a list out.

*I just had such a great workout. So good I almost puked...to me that's a sign of a good workout.
*Said workout was needed because I made pizza for dinner and DH picked up doughnuts. Eeeeek!
*I feel so easily affected by the weather change. Last week I was happy boppy boppity bop all week long, and this week I've been tired and cranky. TO make it worse it's been lightly snowing here.
*We have massive, prehistoric spiders greeting us every single morning; from S's play kitchen. We had them SO badly last year, discovered they were living in our lillies, sprayed them down. We even have an exterminating company we are working with. ICK.
*DH quit his second job. It is the scariest yet greatest decision ever. I am terrified financially but having him home makes any scrimping/penny pinching completely worth it. He has basically missed most of S's live because he's been at work for 14 hours a day.
*It's weird to have him home.
*Tomorrow we are planning on the farmers marker in the morning. I LOOOOOVE our farmers market. With less money coming in, farmers markets are the perfect way to save on produce bills...especially because I drop serious money on fresh produce weekly. Plus it's a great excuse to wear S, because let's face it, most 2 yo want to run not be worn but she happily snugs in for the time we are there.
*My brother in law is also coming down tomorrow; next to Grammy he might be S's absolutely favorite person.
*I need to shower.

the end!

Why I love a warm, wet spring day

2010-04-08T09:42:00.002-04:00

The smell of the earth, hyacinths, mud. The warm air with cool humidity that floats on your skin. The sound of squish. The puddles. The random beautiful sunbursts that filter down unexpectedly. The mud on S's bottom as she plays around the yard. The freckles of dirt that spatter the dogs belly from romping through the yard. I love how quiet it makes everything. Everyone is so happy to be outside in this little siesta from the rain. But most of all I love the smells. To me that is what spring is all about. After being cooped up all winter, the smells of spring always amaze me. Throwing open windows, doors and letting it all in. I relish in the dirt. I dream about gardens to plant, landscaping to do...what plants our dog won't eat :) I sit and watch our only child learn and explore the world. Spring reminds me how good it is to start new, bring new faith into your life, to look at the tiny moments of beauty that happen all day long whether we acknowledge them or not.

I have started running again. Taking it very slowly as not to injure my leg again. Luckily my parents gave us their treadmill and they took our elliptical. I just prefer the motion of running to anything else. I like the mental peace. The powerful feeling I get from my body being in motion. Even if it's just a small run to get me back in the saddle, I never fail to feel completely empowered from a run. I feel completely confident, amazing, even beautiful post run...dripping in sweat and stinky as can be.

I want to try to give up all the things that I have been afraid of. I have been doing fairly well even with minor tasks. Like for years DH has wanted me to go bowling with him, but I never wanted to. Always afraid I wouldn't like it, I'd get sweaty in public, people would see how bad I suck lol. But I went. And I actually liked it. I'm not saying I will go again anytime soon but I am proud that I went. I think I hold onto and have to control absolutely everything to a very unhealthy point. I want to break free of this. Last year I really worked on getting myself healthier weight-wise, exercise-wise; now it's time to work on the mental health (and still some bad food habits) My goal is by the end of the yard to be off of all dairy and wheat products. I think if I can eliminate those 2 biggies my body would feel, look, and be a lot healthier than it currently is. I still have a 20-30lb weight loss goal that I want to accomplish this year as well. Now that I know we aren't going to be having another baby, it's easier for me to get in the mode of loosing it. Before I just thought why would I when I'm just going to get pg and have to start all over again. I think without that I finally feel free.

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

2010-03-23T08:43:00.002-04:00

Outside my window...it's misting. seriously mist? and grey! I miss the sun from last week
I am thinking...about all the dental work that I need done; it's depressing and my own fault
I am thankful for...the fact that it looks like we will be able to pay off some debt with our tax refunds
From the kitchen...coffee!
I am wearing...sweats and a hoodie
I am creating...nothing new currently. I'm in a creative slump.
I am going...to take a nice hot shower and find something to do today
I am reading...RR
I am hoping...the sun will come out today
I am hearing...mickey mouse clubhouse-bad night of sleep, pounding headache= a bit of tv for dd and coffee/computer time for myself
Around the house...rearranged
One of my favorite things...how excited DD gets over princess bandaids
A few plans for the rest of the week: It'll probably depend on the weather!

Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-03-16T08:38:00.002-04:00

Outside my window...sunshine!!! SUNSHINE!! blue skies!
I am thinking...how wonderful a hot cup of coffee is this morning
I am thankful for...my mom
From the kitchen...yesterday dd and I made lasagna and strawberry cupcakes. Today we're going to make chicken soup.
I am wearing...a blue long sleeve shirt, brown cardigan and sweatpants ahh sahmama glamour :-P
I am creating...a mama and baby bird piece for dd's room...I've been trying to focus on that so it gets done!
I am going...to take dd out to play in the sunshine in a bit when it gets above freezing!
I am reading...ragamuffin reflections
I am hoping...everything J is working towards pans out
I am hearing...dd "grocery shopping"
Around the house...happy that we are continuing to get rid of excess
One of my favorite things...sunshine! grass! that fact i've been able to dig in my garden!
A few plans for the rest of the week: I think the children's museum, gym class for the kiddo and getting back out to run!

2010-03-07T18:30:00.002-05:00

I need to write a blog entry. A real one not just a daybook entry once a week. I'm quite pathetic at keeping up with blogging. I love the idea of keeping one and reading others but when it comes down to it, I just don't do it! I think I just have a tough time getting all my ideas organized for a blog; like I want to write about 25 different things instead of one topic. But that would bother me. Or maybe it's because I don't want to put out into a public space some of my thoughts. I'm not really sure what it is that keeps me from holding back.

I have been working on all different crafty things. My good friend had her baby shower this past weekend and I made her 3 onesies; actually I made 4 but I didn't like how the fourth one turned out so I didn't give it to her. Two of them I did iron on decals, one a flower, the other an elephant. For the third I hand embroidered the baby's initial onto it with a few flowers. Very sweet and simple, then I bought matching pants for each onesies. I would have loved to make the pants too but I didn't give myself enough time to complete the projects. Worse of all, I forgot to take pictures of them! :(

For SG's room I am working on an embroidery piece with a mama big and a baby bird nesting on a branch under a starry moonlight sky. It's turning out so beautifully. I'm really pleased with the embroidery work I've been doing; it's encouraging when a new craft turns out to be so perfect for you. I've had nothing but fun coming up with ideas to embroider, and I like the fact that it's a revival hand craft. I've seen so many ideas that I would like to create as well, it's just printing them, drawing them or buying the material to do them. I am curious to find a way to frame the pieces I'm working on.

I have been absolutely itching to sew. I have a billion ideas but just no chance to do it.

I pray for peace everyday. I pray to find a way to be happy everyday. I want so badly to have my heart open to happiness. I want to find peace; peaceful peace within. In my household, in my relationships, in my marriage. Nothing is rocky or unstable but I feel like I am lacking the ability to feel that type of peacefulness I see in people I admire. I want more time with J. I pray that things will work out for him; that he will be able to be around more. That God will help our family find a way to be together more. That time won't be so impossible to come by. I want to be sure in my decisions. I want to be able to figure things out (do we ever?) I pray for joy and love daily.

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

2010-03-02T08:55:00.002-05:00

Outside my window...a bit of light is peeking from under the clouds
I am thinking...we have less than a month til spring (I hope!)
I am thankful for...a clean house
From the kitchen...well yesterday dd and I made the yummiest chocolate strawberry cupcakes!
I am wearing...jammies
I am creating...onesies for my gf's baby!
I am going...try and get some sewing done sometime this week!
I am reading...the blog rufflesandstuff.com
I am hoping...for sunshine today!
I am hearing...SG playing with her dollhouse
Around the house...I am organizing everything!
One of my favorite things...is how the air smells when it's hovering between winter and spring
A few plans for the rest of the week: not too much really, I'm happy to have a quiet "home" week after a super busy week last week
Here is picture for thought I am sharing

My little monkey jumping on the bed

2010-02-23T14:58:00.002-05:00

From The Simple Woman's Daybook
Outside my window...a doldrum of grey! at least it's mild out
I am thinking...what a great day today has been
I am thankful for...the delicious chai tea I had at lunch
From the kitchen...thinking about brewing up some tea
I am wearing...yoga pants, tank top
I am creating...butterflies for the kiddo's room
I am going...to see my gf tomorrow who just had her 2nd baby!
I am reading...Dr.Sears Discipline Book
I am hoping...J starts to get job call backs
I am hearing...pooh bear
Around the house...wooden blocks everywhere!
One of my favorite things...about today has been SG's sweet disposition
A few plans for the rest of the week: visiting the new baby tomorrow, gym class, then hopefully seeing another gf who's due in about 8 weeks!
Here is picture for thought I am sharing
My sweet silly girl

2010-02-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

why is it when i get in a group of my peers/other moms i completely shut down?

*seed for a blog*didn't want to forget it*

2010-02-17T12:51:00.003-05:00

Today was the first day I'd gotten out of the house in a week. A week!!!! Ugh!
Last Thursday SG was hit with the tummy flu, it honestly wasn't that bad compared to the last (only) time she'd had it. Maybe because this time around I knew what to do to keep her hydrated etc. But man oh man did J and I get it. I felt fine on Friday, a little run down but fine. Then I started to feel ill that afternoon and by the time he came home from work I was ready for bed. So he stayed with SG so I could rest. I ended up laying in bed, watching Weeds, going back and forth between tummy sick and other sick for quite some time. Poor SG wanted nothing more than to come sleep in mommy's bed either, and I felt so bad telling J to just tell her no that she had to sleep in her bed. But I just felt so sick I didn't want her in with me. But that didn't last. I was sick then she woke up and came into our bed. Thank You GOD (seriously!) she slept all night like a rock between the two of us who keep waking up every hour to get sick or with a fever or because it hurt to lay down. My poor poor J, I have never ever seen him get sick like that.
The next morning was hard because SG was feeling much much better and was running around, shrieking, jumping-normal two year old things. But I felt like (I'm sure J did too) that I had a blinding migraine, mixed with nausea, dizziness, weakness, joint pain. And a toddler was just rough to handle. But we did for most of the day. We all napped on and off; again thank You God for SG sleeping! But by 4 we knew we weren't going to be able to pull it off another night. My parents had offered to take her, but we said no because we didn't want them getting this bug! But we had to. So they picked her up for us (blessing!) and I slept from 4pm-11:30pm!!! I finally showered then went back to bed around 2am until 10am the next day.
I think if we hadn't had that night of deep deep sleep and rest we would have been done for. Then my parents offered to take her another night! It was truly wonderful of them and it really did help.
I felt bad that J had to go back to work on Monday while I slept more but what can you do?

But yes, today I got out of the house! It was fantastic. I don't think I've ever been happier to go to the mall :) We went to the carousel, had lunch, walked around, had a mrs. fields cookie-gah! It was so very nice to get out, to get dressed, to drive! Such daily things are so easily taken for granted.

I love little trips with SG. I love any little time with her that I can make silly or special or something simple that just makes her happy. Even if it means a big sugar cookie right before naptime! I love how observant she is, I love how she is constantly pulling me down to her level to show me the world through her eyes. I love the constant amazement at the things around her. The sparkling lights that make her gleeful or ballons or seeing other little kids. I am grateful for the lightness she brings to my heart.

From The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-02-15T08:19:00.003-05:00

Outside my window...it is grey again
I am thinking...about the mass amount of laundry to finish/put away
I am thankful for...the fact our bout with the flu seems to be over
From the kitchen...nothing-i haven't really eaten since friday thanks to the flu
I am wearing...yoga pants, long red sleeve, wool sweater
I am creating...quiet time for myself
I am going...nowhere today because I don't feel up for driving
I am reading...nothing! I really need to pick up a book
I am hoping...that we can have our Valentine's celebration in a few weekends
I am hearing...the heat click on and off and the dog snoring
Around the house...are valentine's knickknacks everywhere!
One of my favorite things...scarves
A few plans for the rest of the week: hoping to be feeling better by tomorrow, then grocery shopping (thrilling) gymnastics, music class
Here is picture for thought I am sharing
I haven't touched my camera in a week. boo.

2010-02-10T16:14:00.002-05:00

From The Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window...it is overcast and dismal
I am thinking...about sewing projects
I am thankful for...the joy SG brings
From the kitchen...nothing yet! I do need to figure out dinner though
I am wearing...jeans, a green tank top with a green tshirt
I am creating...stars for little's room
I am going...to be picking up J from work soon
I am reading...re-reading Pride and Prejudice when I think about it
I am hoping...that this weekend is fun
I am hearing...sublime
Around the house...are toys that I keep tripping over!
One of my favorite things...sharing cookies with SG
A few plans for the rest of the week: gymnastics class tomorrow, music friday!
Here is picture for thought I am sharing
I don't have one currently!

2010-02-08T13:21:00.004-05:00

Currently working on these little bitty stars to hang up in SG's room. They aren't so bad once you get started but each one takes me maybe 30min or so. I think, I'm trying not to watch the clock while I do them! I'm hoping to get some more fabric and make all different colors but this is what I had on hand from Valentine's day projects.

2010-02-07T20:00:00.004-05:00

Today the bitter cold air came back. With big soft floaty snow flakes. They were beautiful. But to me everything on Sundays is beautiful. I love Sundays more than any other day of the week. There is a quiet peace to the day. The sleepiness that settles into the day, the slow movement of the clock, the cups of coffee, the snuggly babe, the cold nosed dog. I love everything about our Sundays. It is always without question the guaranteed day that J is home all day long. It is a quiet day. Today we hung out in our jammies until 2 or so. J made breakfast. I didn't cook one meal today! I don't think that's ever happened! I crafted. J and S made a diorama of an aquarium. We stayed in all day together. It was so completely what we needed.

Why I love our Sundays
*Big mugs of coffee that are enjoyed leisurely
*Quiet
*Sufjan Stevens and Iron&Wine on Pandora
*Family naptime in our big king bed
*Long hot showers without a toddler
*J is home so I can shower, read, clean, cook, craft without tripping over a little
*The streaming sunshine that pours into our front room casting heart shadows
*Breakfast for dinner :)
*Feeling like there is no place in the world I'd rather be

Here's some pictures of what I made today

Hearts for SG's bedroom door

Heartstring

Love on a string

Tutu for SG

It has been a good day

My brain hurts

2010-02-02T09:25:00.002-05:00

Last week was a rough week. It literally felt like something was off with the planets, something kept dragging at me, pulling on me, making me feel itchy and stifled. It didn't help that this also seemed to be effecting the kiddo; so her and I felt like we were at odds all week. By Thursday when she threw a huge tantrum at her gym class, I felt like I'd had it. I was so embarrassed and I instantly feel like everyone is staring at me, criticizing me that I just shut down and want to cry. So I did. I got her out of the classroom and made it to the truck. I burst into tears and sobbed for a good 10 minutes in the parking lot. S was crying too, which made it all that much worse. I cried the whole car ride home, and for a bit after that. I think that was just the catalyst to get everything moving that needed to come out.

After thinking on the situation pretty much non-stop I realized that I can only do what I can, and that certain expectation of a 2 year old are just impossible.

I am praying that this week is much better than last. I did have a break, S went to my parents Friday night til Saturday, my brother in law was down here Sat-Sun and S LOVES him so they were happily occupied.

I need to work much harder on being patient. Because S instantly reflects my impatience with her own. Which is just no good! It's hard because I have absolutely no patience, for just about anything. I never have, and it's killing me to constantly be challenged by this little one.

Every single day I pray. I pray mostly that we will get some sort of financial break, or relief. Because I feel like if we keep going at this rate of J working pretty much nonstop 8am-10pm everyday we are going to explode. I feel the burnout all the time, between us, for him, with him. We are both exhausted by finances. It's rough because I don't want to complain because we could have it much much worse, but I am always alone with S and he is always working. We lack serious balance. I pray that he can find a job where he only has to work one job. I pray for normal hours so he can actually see S. Mainly I just want him to be around so we can be together, so I don't feel like I'm parenting by myself, so S stops crying/asking for him all day long.

I am so ready for winter to be over. For spring to come, for mud, for flowers, for sunlight, for S to play outside and stop climbing the walls of our house.

2010-01-25T15:04:00.003-05:00

Pillowcase dress that I winged last night. I had a pattern that I did intend to follow but once I started reading it, I wasn't feeling it...especially because it required that I use elastic- dun dun dun. So I just used the sizing guide then sewed it up how I though it would look best. I didn't like the idea of a moveable ribbon around my little one's neck so I instead I pulled the ribbon through and fixed it to one shoulder so that it couldn't be adjustable. Then I just took some embroidery floss and did a simple stitch to the other side so that doesn't move either, then just tied a bow on top of that stitch to hide.

I'm sure this isn't a coherent post bc my 2yo is pulling at me/playing play doh next to me. But I wanted to post it!

2010-01-21T08:32:00.004-05:00

We made super simple window "clings" yesterday with tissue paper and a few dabs of glue on each to paste them up. SG had so much fun sticking them up. Now our house has a nice pink, red glow with the sun(sun?! yes!) coming in through the windows. And she keeps pointing out the shadows of the hearts on the walls, pictures etc.

Sew what?

2010-01-19T15:54:00.006-05:00

This past weekend I FINALLY was able to clear out a space and set up my sewing machine. I had so many ideas in my head of things I wanted to make but I'd yet to see if I could actually make any of them! Luckily my parents agreed to take the kiddo this weekend, DH wanted to play videogames and I got my time to sew!

So first I read this skirt waistband tutorial from The Mother Huddle and thought, "Hmm I bet even I can do that!" So I took one of SG's skirts, laid it down, measured it and cut it out from fabric from one of my old dresses.

It's not amazing but it's not bad for my first skirt that I've ever made. It gave me confidence to try another project, so I made a dress out of a tank top of SG's and some old dress fabric. It's probably my favorite thing I've sewn.

I also made SG's two pairs of sweater pants from DH's old sweaters that I'd been holding onto forever just so one day I could actually make these pants. Much easier than I thought, I just took a pair of her pants, folded them lengthwise and laid those on the sleeves and just cut along the crotch of the pants. I didn't even have to use elastic for the waist either, I just cut the bottom hem and made that the top of the pants. With her bulky cloth diapers they are the perfect fit :)

On Saturday I went out by myself (glorious!) to the bookstore and picked up a book on hand embroidery. Since I bought that I figured I'd better by the supplies :0) I will embarassingly admit that I did not understand the stitch directions AT ALL. But I think after finding a few good links/tutorials I realized that I was just reading it all wrong..oops. But I am almost completely done with my first project...2 birds on a pillowcase that I'm going to sew into a dress for the little miss.

All my craftin' is making me happy that I'm finally finding things I really enjoy doing! I do like knitting and crochet, but I am not patient enough to do it! I like that these projects are done quickly and easily!

2010-01-16T10:29:00.003-05:00

As parents we are all prone to those nights of absolute sleeplessness. We are working on a full week of it. I am exhausted, J is on the verge of a freakout and SG is the same sleep fighting little kid that we brought home from the hospital.
When we brought her home we knew we wanted to cosleep; at least I did. For J it was a more of "I don't care, I just want to sleep" and for me I just wanted her near.
I don't regret our cosleeping at all but I do regret that there is no way for her to fall asleep without someone next to her and with her allllllllllll night long, all nap long all the freakin' time.
Maybe we are just experiencing severe cosleeping burnout. She wants to sleep in her room, in her bed but with me. And won't let me get up. I think I am just frustrated with the inability to even get up from the bed during naptime, to go pee or get a drink or just get out of the damn bed. I know we are not the only cosleepers who've gone through this but I feel like survival is all we are doing.
Because of J's work schedule he is gone M-Th 7:30am-10pm and then a work day Friday. So it's just me with SG for all those hours, all those hours of sleep. And I know a lot of it is my fault, because naps are just easier if I sit in bed with her, she'll nap a full nap. And let's face it, when it's bedtime I usually just fall asleep with her, then wake up and read/knit/watch a dvd on my laptop. It's pathetic. I am chained to my bed with this kiddo.
Last night was just miserable. SG was up just screaming for a few hours, throwing tantrums, and didn't want either of us.
Then like a fool this morning, just to get out and away I went for a run. It was absolutely bitter, the wind felt like it was going to rip my skin apart. Plus I still have a cold so I kept having to stop and blow my nose. SIGH.
There is a half marathon (13miles) here at the end of May that I kinda want to plan on doing. But I'm not sure I'd be ready, though I do have a 12 week training program. The problem is I've taken the last 2 months off because of serious leg issues, so I'm not sure gearing up for a marathon is the smartest thing to do. I'd be starting back at the beginning; I just wish I could get my hands on a treadmill to run on when it's so darn bitter out.
I have to get my heiny to the post office before it closes, but I don't want to leave my house or my coffee.

2010-01-14T08:45:00.000-05:00

I had a blog planned, to talk about SG, and the way the sun was coming in the window glowing orange with purple sky. But I cannot ramble on about my life, when I am reading and thinking about the people in Haiti. I cannot imagine going through that, where everything around you just falls apart, everyone you know/love is injured or lost or hurt or dead. It's so easy to stay removed, as we sit in our houses, warm, safe, with food, water, and family. It's easy to just think about it and do nothing. But I don't want to do nothing, I just don't know how you do something when you aren't directly involved. I emailed DH a bunch of links of places to donate so hopefully we can pick a few and send something, we can't send a lot but we can send something. I asked him to ask his coworkers to donate, but I know he won't and that really bothers me.

For today I am grateful for my little, who has put a whole new light into my eyes about how to view the world.

I need to organize!

2009-12-26T15:03:00.001-05:00

I'm sure it's just because there is an influx of "stuff" in the house because of the holidays but I feel like I'm loosing my mind in our small house. We have a total of 4 closets in the house, 2 are for bedrooms, 1 is our linen and the other is a front closet. Everything is always out because quite frankly there is no place to put it away, and without a basement our garage catches the overflow. So our garage isn't a garage but an extended storage unit that is overflowing, which stinks because I'd love to have a garage to use! I'd also love to not have to look at every single toy Siiri has, or all our books, blankets etc. And don't even get me started on our kitchen. Not only is there no counter space but no storage space for that matter; the previous owners took the doors off the cabinets so we have no doors and everything is visible. Every pot, pan, plate, cup, coffee mug...and I feel like I clean constantly yet there is never any order! It's so frustrating, I know J is sick of hearing about it and I feel bad but honestly I grew up in a house where there was space for storage. It just makes me feel very overwhelmed, like can't breathe overwhelmed by how messy the house gets and so quickly.
I don't want to go buy things either because that'll just take up more space that we don't have. I guess I just don't know how to live small :( I want to be able to, and I keep getting rid of things but I can't seem to manage all the toys, books bla bla bla. I want some semblence of order so I'm not embarassed everytime people come over with all our stuff being out and having really no place to put it.
Where's Nate Berkus when you need him?

2009-12-24T22:49:00.000-05:00

So now the house is quiet. DH and SG are asleep upstairs, and I should be there too cuddling with them. But I am trying to make time to get words out of my head and into the world, be it on paper or here.
I cannot believe tomorrow is Christmas. It feels like but doesn't. There wasn't a lot of rigamarole around it this year, it was very easy. I shopped early, had SG's presents done with around Thanksgiving, and just bought small for my parents etc. I can't believe this is her third christmas, will I think that every year this is her X number of times around?
I'm sitting in our living room looking at the tree and I've noticed all the ornaments have migrated north by mama's hand to keep them from grabby little fingers. It looks silly and makes me chuckle that really only the top half of our tree is decorated fully and the bottom half is pretty sparse and empty looking. By the time she stops taking ornaments off the tree and knows better, I'm sure there will another babe in the house that will be pulling them off just the same as she did.
I want another baby. I don't know if it's all the new babies I know of that will be joining our world soon or seeing newborn pictures or just plain biology but I feel achy for another baby. But it is a very scary thing to think of another. Being pregnant again, and if it's anything like it was with SG being sick sick sick will not be fun. There are days I think I'm going crazy just being home with her and I can't imagine why I'd ever want another, but that doesn't stop my heart and body from wanting a baby again. It's very strange to try and contend with your own biology, like now that the switch has been flipped it's an open gate and there will always be a mass pouring of desire for another child. I think because of how things went with SG I am anxious for my chance to do it the "right" way. I get disgusted when I see moms who choose to labor with drugs, not nurse, put their babies in cribs but maybe it's bc I've never been in that spot. I don't know what labor is bc I didn't go through it. I went through a hospital game that I pray to God I never have to deal with ever again. I want the chance to be powerful, to own my birth, to push my own baby out of my body like I'm supposed to; not have it taken from me, taken away from me, made me to feel foolish, angry, upset and deprived of the grace and beauty of birth.
I don't understand woman who want to schedule their births, or want to deliver early. I just don't. I cannot fathom not following your body, your design. Now. At this point. But I did doubt my design, I did doubt my purpose.
I guess it's more just feeling that when I think about another baby all the emotions that I haven't/didn't deal with with SG's birth come up and hit me in the face, making me terrified that I will have to go through it all over again. I want that baby to prove to myself I can do it, I will be able to nurse.
Maybe that is why I fight so hard to hold onto the attachment parenting that I am able to do. I wasn't allowed my happy birth, so now I feel like I fight back by APing. Because I couldn't breastfeed I cosleep, because I want my girl to feel that security, that safety, that closeness to me that we could have missed out on. That's why I still babywear, it's not a burden, it's not incredible. It's mothering. It's mothering based on what I know and feel is best. It's providing a safe, loving way for my girl to feel secure when she's reeling. When she's tantruming and wants just me and all my attention I wear her, to support her emotionally, to hold her. Because there will come a day when I can't just pick her up and hold her and cuddle all her problems away, but I am hoping that the groundwork I am laying now will help her to establish a relationship with me where I can carry her.

2009-12-24T21:20:00.000-05:00

so i just revamped this whole thing...and i have no idea how to use blogger honestly. i haven't had a blog since xangaland and that was so ridiculously easy that anyone could figure it out. i don't know how to find people to follow or blogs to follow/read etc. of course i had a whole blog planned out in my head while i took a shower i wrote it in my head and now that i'm sitting down to write it i can't remember it. lame.
i shaved my legs for the first time in a couple of months tonight. it felt good and weird at the same time. it was also the first time i've showered without the kiddo in over a month is my guess. i'm not really sure but i think it's been that long! it's definitely hard being with my bug all the time but i am trying to treasure it as much it's frustrating.
i am not making coherent sentences as DH is talking to me and the tv is on.
I will try for another entry soon as I'm finding a bit more laptop time happening lately.

2009-03-19T19:27:00.001-04:00

i forgot i had this.
i used to be so good about keeping a blog.
now i am lucky to remember it.

i am so grateful for this decent weather. it's still a bit cold but at least it's enough to get out of the house, and take the kid to the park so she can burn off energy. i am enjoying this age. for the most part. sg can be really difficult because her communication skills aren't completely there, and it can be so frustrating. but i do like that we can now do "things". like play outside, run around, tea parties etc.

i know i have a better, more intelligent post in me somewhere.
maybe after a glass of wine?

2008-12-23T15:45:00.001-05:00

After this past weekend filled with snow, drifts so high in our backyard that our dog leaps instead of walks, I look out the window to see that it is indeed once again snowing. It seems like for the first time in years we are getting decent snow; I can't remember snow like this since J and I first moved in together. And maybe for the first time I don't seem much to mind it, maybe because I am home most days with SG, not trudging out in it for work, or having to drive in rush hour with hundreds of other cars, all of them seemingly unable to drive in inclimate weather.
I bought a really lovely multiple season babywearing coat, I am just waiting for it to arrive in the post. At least this way we can get out and about, without the damned stroller that just gets stuck. Last winter she was tiny enough that I could fit her in a front carry underneath a cozy sweater, but now I have to toss her on my back.

It feels unChristmasy to me. Maybe it's because everything here is new, and we've yet to establish any traditions in our house. We finally put up our tree, just a few days ago. I think it will be important to continue that so that SG has a defined break between her birthday and the holiday. I know my parents have said they bought SG a lot of stuff, which makes me feel a bit eh. I don't want her to see this time of year as only being about presents. I'm just not so sure about Christmas in general. It feels exhausting. and unnecessary as we aren't practicing Christians, just raised in the traditions, so we don't know how to break them.

I feel rambly. I am waiting for my new wedding band to be shipped to me. I only know that I'm getting one because J specifically asked me to pick one out. It's handmade, engraved and hammered silver. The artist sent it to me, and it was a bit snug so I sent it back and now I'm just waiting. Makes me a bit nervous since I sent it at the height of the mailing season, that it's now lost but hopefully not.

I need to find a playgroup for SG. We are home too much.

I bought her snow pants and I know that my parents are getting her a sled, so at least we can go play outside a bit.

I don't feel well today. Queasy. And everything I smell makes me feel dizzy, nauseous. I'm hoping it's just the raw Kibbee my father in law dropped off last night.

for what it's worth

2008-12-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

My husband bought me an E.E. Cummings book, Tulips&Chimneys. I think without ever meaning to, before I'd ever even read him, I wrote in a mimicked style of his. Loose words flowing, and the structured placement meaning as much to me as the words that I was writing. I miss the fluidity of writing, of a pen on paper for hours at a time. I miss having that kind of devotion to an art form, to my own art, to selfish hours spent quietly scribbling. My mind lately feels exhausted and for the most part, unused. I feel as though it's been a rapid descent into motherhood, that has taken away so many parts of me that I truly loved, and took a long time to discover. I never realized how much I actually enjoyed who I was until there didn't seem to be anymore room to be that person anymore.
I would have thought that over a years period, there would be a settling of the dusk around me, that I would have fallen gracefully into motherhood. Instead I find myself struggling, and feeling like I could not have chosen an unwiser path for myself to follow. Maybe it's because I see so much of myself in my daughter that she makes me ache and that she is exhausting as I am. I love her more than I have the actual capability to describe, but I worry that it's not enough for me. I want to badly to be happy in my daily life, I don't want her growing up with a depressed parent, but I don't know how to detach myself from her and still be the parent that I want to be. I honestly wish I knew how to go to work and leave her in daycare, but the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I feel like I am just waiting for change. and waiting. I just don't want to spend all my time waiting and not enjoying it.