My brain hurts

Last week was a rough week. It literally felt like something was off with the planets, something kept dragging at me, pulling on me, making me feel itchy and stifled. It didn't help that this also seemed to be effecting the kiddo; so her and I felt like we were at odds all week. By Thursday when she threw a huge tantrum at her gym class, I felt like I'd had it. I was so embarrassed and I instantly feel like everyone is staring at me, criticizing me that I just shut down and want to cry. So I did. I got her out of the classroom and made it to the truck. I burst into tears and sobbed for a good 10 minutes in the parking lot. S was crying too, which made it all that much worse. I cried the whole car ride home, and for a bit after that. I think that was just the catalyst to get everything moving that needed to come out.

After thinking on the situation pretty much non-stop I realized that I can only do what I can, and that certain expectation of a 2 year old are just impossible.

I am praying that this week is much better than last. I did have a break, S went to my parents Friday night til Saturday, my brother in law was down here Sat-Sun and S LOVES him so they were happily occupied.

I need to work much harder on being patient. Because S instantly reflects my impatience with her own. Which is just no good! It's hard because I have absolutely no patience, for just about anything. I never have, and it's killing me to constantly be challenged by this little one.

Every single day I pray. I pray mostly that we will get some sort of financial break, or relief. Because I feel like if we keep going at this rate of J working pretty much nonstop 8am-10pm everyday we are going to explode. I feel the burnout all the time, between us, for him, with him. We are both exhausted by finances. It's rough because I don't want to complain because we could have it much much worse, but I am always alone with S and he is always working. We lack serious balance. I pray that he can find a job where he only has to work one job. I pray for normal hours so he can actually see S. Mainly I just want him to be around so we can be together, so I don't feel like I'm parenting by myself, so S stops crying/asking for him all day long.

I am so ready for winter to be over. For spring to come, for mud, for flowers, for sunlight, for S to play outside and stop climbing the walls of our house.

Pillowcase dress that I winged last night. I had a pattern that I did intend to follow but once I started reading it, I wasn't feeling it...especially because it required that I use elastic- dun dun dun. So I just used the sizing guide then sewed it up how I though it would look best. I didn't like the idea of a moveable ribbon around my little one's neck so I instead I pulled the ribbon through and fixed it to one shoulder so that it couldn't be adjustable. Then I just took some embroidery floss and did a simple stitch to the other side so that doesn't move either, then just tied a bow on top of that stitch to hide.

I'm sure this isn't a coherent post bc my 2yo is pulling at me/playing play doh next to me. But I wanted to post it!

We made super simple window "clings" yesterday with tissue paper and a few dabs of glue on each to paste them up. SG had so much fun sticking them up. Now our house has a nice pink, red glow with the sun(sun?! yes!) coming in through the windows. And she keeps pointing out the shadows of the hearts on the walls, pictures etc.

Sew what?

This past weekend I FINALLY was able to clear out a space and set up my sewing machine. I had so many ideas in my head of things I wanted to make but I'd yet to see if I could actually make any of them! Luckily my parents agreed to take the kiddo this weekend, DH wanted to play videogames and I got my time to sew!

So first I read this skirt waistband tutorial from The Mother Huddle and thought, "Hmm I bet even I can do that!" So I took one of SG's skirts, laid it down, measured it and cut it out from fabric from one of my old dresses.

It's not amazing but it's not bad for my first skirt that I've ever made. It gave me confidence to try another project, so I made a dress out of a tank top of SG's and some old dress fabric. It's probably my favorite thing I've sewn.

I also made SG's two pairs of sweater pants from DH's old sweaters that I'd been holding onto forever just so one day I could actually make these pants. Much easier than I thought, I just took a pair of her pants, folded them lengthwise and laid those on the sleeves and just cut along the crotch of the pants. I didn't even have to use elastic for the waist either, I just cut the bottom hem and made that the top of the pants. With her bulky cloth diapers they are the perfect fit :)

On Saturday I went out by myself (glorious!) to the bookstore and picked up a book on hand embroidery. Since I bought that I figured I'd better by the supplies :0) I will embarassingly admit that I did not understand the stitch directions AT ALL. But I think after finding a few good links/tutorials I realized that I was just reading it all wrong..oops. But I am almost completely done with my first project...2 birds on a pillowcase that I'm going to sew into a dress for the little miss.



All my craftin' is making me happy that I'm finally finding things I really enjoy doing! I do like knitting and crochet, but I am not patient enough to do it! I like that these projects are done quickly and easily!

As parents we are all prone to those nights of absolute sleeplessness. We are working on a full week of it. I am exhausted, J is on the verge of a freakout and SG is the same sleep fighting little kid that we brought home from the hospital.
When we brought her home we knew we wanted to cosleep; at least I did. For J it was a more of "I don't care, I just want to sleep" and for me I just wanted her near.
I don't regret our cosleeping at all but I do regret that there is no way for her to fall asleep without someone next to her and with her allllllllllll night long, all nap long all the freakin' time.
Maybe we are just experiencing severe cosleeping burnout. She wants to sleep in her room, in her bed but with me. And won't let me get up. I think I am just frustrated with the inability to even get up from the bed during naptime, to go pee or get a drink or just get out of the damn bed. I know we are not the only cosleepers who've gone through this but I feel like survival is all we are doing.
Because of J's work schedule he is gone M-Th 7:30am-10pm and then a work day Friday. So it's just me with SG for all those hours, all those hours of sleep. And I know a lot of it is my fault, because naps are just easier if I sit in bed with her, she'll nap a full nap. And let's face it, when it's bedtime I usually just fall asleep with her, then wake up and read/knit/watch a dvd on my laptop. It's pathetic. I am chained to my bed with this kiddo.
Last night was just miserable. SG was up just screaming for a few hours, throwing tantrums, and didn't want either of us.
Then like a fool this morning, just to get out and away I went for a run. It was absolutely bitter, the wind felt like it was going to rip my skin apart. Plus I still have a cold so I kept having to stop and blow my nose. SIGH.
There is a half marathon (13miles) here at the end of May that I kinda want to plan on doing. But I'm not sure I'd be ready, though I do have a 12 week training program. The problem is I've taken the last 2 months off because of serious leg issues, so I'm not sure gearing up for a marathon is the smartest thing to do. I'd be starting back at the beginning; I just wish I could get my hands on a treadmill to run on when it's so darn bitter out.
I have to get my heiny to the post office before it closes, but I don't want to leave my house or my coffee.