today was quiet. slept in with the baby. drank coffee, ate toast. played puzzles with S. Got 2 hours of time with the little man while J and S ran errands, we napped, nursed, snuggled. had an awesome cup of chai. roasted sweet potatoes, parsnips, carrots, asparagus and onion to eat with a roasted chicken. baked chocolate chip biscuits for dessert. watched the snow fall. caught a cooking show. J finished the downstairs carpeting. there is such sweetness to be had it the simple days. i had planned to go out and run errands, and to go to a diapering event but vetoed it. it was so nice to stay in and have that be the only plans for the day. i can't remember the last time i made a nice saturday dinner. and i am even planning a nice dinner for tomorrow. the weeks can be so hard when i am stuck inside the house with the kids and we are irritating each other. but then when we choose to stay in and just enjoy it and are present, it's so so wonderful.

Oh! Hello!

Hello blog that I completely forgot about! You are still lovely and I hope to give you the much needed attention you deserve. I could probably hack out a post right now with the baby passed out in my lap and S watching a movie but what to say?

A lot has changed in the year since I've been here.
A brand new baby boy came into our world in August 2011. My daughter turned 4. 4!!! DH and I have been together for 8 years.
My parents moved out of state. For the first time ever in my life they aren't a quick car ride away.
I've showed myself I'm stronger and braver and smarter and more able than I ever gave myself credit for.

Maybe that much hasn't changed? shrug. My thoughts aren't that organized right now. I hope to come back.

I'm a blogging slacker. seriously. I have lots to write and to say but for the most part I have a 3yo that pries my computer out of my hands most of the time.

We started a no tech Tuesdays along with no spend January this month. so far both are going well. our no tech just means that after J gets home from work, no computers, tv, phones etc are allowed. I wanted to do it during the day but I'm a facebook junkie (I should just delete it) and our tv is our source of radio through Pandora. It's quite nice to have such quiet at night but made me feel so sad that we actually had to make it a rule. Once mild weather rolls around tv/tech isn't a big issue but with winter it seems like we are parked in front of the tv way too much at night.

No spend January is also pretty good, we've made a few flubs but it's more due to not including them in the rules. We are just going easy on it, no new stuff basically just no new useless things that are clutter are allowed. We obviously allow food, soap, gas for the Jeep and bills but if we absolutely HAVE to buy something it has to be thrifted. Which is good because S suddenly seemed to outgrow her snow pants and I found an awesome LL Bean pair for $6 at a kids consignment shop. What's even better is that with no spending and some Christmas money we will be further ahead this month than we've been (sadly) in a long time. I think we are most likely going to extend and do a Frugal February and a No Madness March ;) I'd like to push for the whole year but I know it's probably not completely feasible since there are some things coming up that will require money. But hopefully we can work those into account and avoid all other spending.

I haven't been to the gym in ummm for freakin' ever. I pulled my neck really really badly and basically at this point am just getting back to feeling normal. I need to go and just walk on the treadmill but it's so lame to do that. I'm on a no running order from my Chiro who thinks that my cold and the impact of running on my spine is what caused it. I keep telling myself I'll go but I haven't and I HATE paying for it every month and not use it. So yes I need to go back. and no I can't get out of the contract, it would cost a bit more than we could swing.

I need to go finish up dinner. here's hoping someone actually reads this.

planning to do a real post soon.

I woke on Monday with a crick in my neck. All day long it improves, then I go to bed and when I wake up it's progressively worse. Today I can hardly turn my head right. I have a cold that just won't quit. I feel like my body is busy taking care of something else or healing elsewhere that the rest just ignored.

I picked back up on my running now that I can at least breathe out of my nose. I'm not certain if I'm going to go with a half marathon in May or if I just want to run the training plan. So far I'm up to running 4 miles, which to me is incredible...considering when I started at the gym back in August I was just walking, then barely running a mile, then 2 felt like death and now 4. I'd heard that the longer you run the easier it gets, and it's true. 4 seems a lot easier than 2 because I really get into my groove and breathing. Hopefully tonight I'll make it to the gym and run my 3.

We are approaching 4 months since loosing Anneli. I would have been 30 weeks right now. It's hard not to do the "shoulds and woulds" I should be pregnant. I should have been pregnant for Thanksgiving, S birthday, Christmas, New Year. I was looking forward to be pregnant through the winter. Sometimes I lay down at night and imagine what my belly would feel like underneath my hands. I think constantly of pregnancy, babies, my baby. I tried so hard to tell myself that I am okay and don't want another, but it feels more defensive than truthful. The other night as sick as I felt, throbbing head, fever, burning throat I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her small body as it came out. Her hands by her face. Her feet, her knees, her tiny bottom, her ears, her sweet closed eyes. Before getting pregnant I had foolishly been praying for a girl born in winter (which she would have been)...and now I don't care if I have to be pregnant in 95* weather I just want a healthy baby who makes it full term, who is born healthy, who stays with me on this earth.

I am totally making these for Thanksgiving. I love pie, so pie on a stick?! Could it be any better?

The indoor season is already underway, and so early on there are signs of craziness. The cat restlessly prowls the house, meowing at the windows, at my feet for some attention, some diversion from the lockdown feeling in the house. The dog goes out only to come running back full force, pounding her feet into the back door, scratching repeatedly to be let in from the chill. She is relentless when S tries to play, pouncing at her, trying to play with the toys alongside. It would normally be very cute, but S screams at her, shrieks, cries basically has a freakout if the dog attempts to play with her...unless it's on her terms. I already feel burnout from being in the house so much.

I want to start some semblance of school this year with S. I have to break our morning routine. Mornings are S waking in her room around 5:45/6am, she'll turn her music on, her lights and play while J and I try to sleep until 6:15ish. Then I take S downstairs, make coffee, turn on music, play a bit, have some fruit. We take J to work at 7:30 (only 1 car) then come back....then she watches Curious George for 15 minutes and if I'm lazy something after that. She has come to expect tv in the morning and I don't like her watching it for an hour, but I use it as a way to play online, make lists for the day, or just read. I'm not against her watching 15 minutes of CG, it just her constant begging for it which makes me realize I need to stop having the tv on. MWF we are usually at the gym by 9am -not today though- so that's our usual routine. I guess I'm thinking if I'm going to do specific "school" activities I'd like to do them earlier in the day. I know she's young and is just learning by being around all day but I do like the idea of getting into a school time pattern so next year when we begin preschool things she'll know what to expect. Even if it's just 30 minutes of looking at letters, or tracing, or something.

today is the first day of nanowrimo. i signed up figuring it would be a great way to exercise some pent up mental needs, but i've never considered writing a novel. i think i'm more of a scattered poetry, scribbler. i figure i'll just start typing and see what happens.

i want to skip the gym this morning and just clean my house. i have a ridiculous pile of laundry to put away, how do 3 people accumulate so much? it was a little more understandable to have more laundry when we were cloth diapering but now it just feels a bit extreme. i've gotten rid of so much clothing but still i feel like it's too much. S has a criminal amount of clothing, and it's all very nice, but i can't help but ponder why an almost 3 year old has so many worldly possessions.

i want to rearrange furniture, scrub floors, tidy closets. Is that strange? i feel like a house is an overwhelming garden of weeds some days, that is just so tedious to maintain. I think about all the stuff we have, we could easily do without, but J has holding tendencies that makes getting rid of more difficult. While it's nice to have nice things, I definitely feel bogged down by it. With S's birthday and the holidays coming up, I dread the influx that will come into our house. I'd much rather she just received money towards college than any gifts.

Time for more coffee and cleaning.

the sky is brilliantly blue, the clouds are wisps of flotsam, the tree stretch up. the last of the leaves are falling. my favorite season seems to be prematurely winding down. dust motes meander through the curtains, the cat stares intently at something outside, that I simply cannot find. the quiet that I am trying to create is overthrown by a demanding almost three year old. She is so much of me that sometimes, I find her frustrating in the very same context I irritate myself. Her stubbornness, her precise personality, and her pushing of independence is her holding a mirror up to me.

I am struggling a lot lately, as I have done a lot since S was born, with just where I am going. I feel so incredibly direction less. I'm not saying I was structured to the T before, but I at least felt much more able to accomplish what I wanted. I have such internal conflict about what I want. It's like I just realized I am approaching 30 with no career, no experience, and while I went to college, there is nothing there to fall back on. I tell myself it is okay to be "just a mom" but it's just not how I see myself. I honestly never saw myself having children, I always thought I'd just have a career and travel for that, live in a big city etc. And I struggle with that woman inside of me who still wants those things. I completely suck at finding any type of balance, whether is emotional, relationship, food-related. I feel like if I go back to school, choose a career, I will be done with kids. Mainly I say that because I don't want to put my kids in daycare or go back to school, go into debt just to get pregnant, stay home again and then not even start working for a good time after that. But I'm pretty certain I am not done. If we could right now, without finances being an issue, I think we'd be more open to babies. But since we struggle so completely right now, another baby to feed, cloth etc just seems irresponsible. This kind of internal conflict is so wasteful because I feel like I am not in the now, with always looking forward to figure out what is next. I honestly wish I could just have a life planner sit me down and tell me how to manage, what/where I should be doing. I guess that'd be God, huh?

dear light. dear early morning love. sunshine filters softly through the pale blue curtains. the house stirs gently. i hear the cat eating her food and the dog fluffling her bed. S calls out. The morning begins. Little footsteps slap the hardwood floors. She drags her pillow behind her, "can I snuggle with you?" Flop sounds the pillow on the bed, creak says the bedframe as she poses her toes on the edge to get on the bed. J wraps his arm around me, S snuggles into me and meows, shoving her kitty lovey into my face. The alarm sounds and S shoots out of bed to turn it off, "I do it!" the expression that is heard the most during these days lately. And the miracle of it all, is she actually can do all these things, suddenly, unexpectedly. We snuggle for a few more minutes, craving the calm of morning.

Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window...gray clouds, a bit of blue sky, leaves blowing by
I am thinking...date night tomorrow
I am thankful for...the glory of fall
From the kitchen...apple crisp! i made it yesterday and had it for breakfast, so good with coffee!
I am wearing...leggings, a tunic and sweater
I am creating...just have been writing lately
I am going...get ready to run errands in a bit. No real plans today, it's really nice!
I am reading...just finished a few books, and I need to get some new ones from the library! Lately it's just been cookbooks.
I am hoping...that our prayers are heard
I am hearing...the traffic go by
Around the house...is clean
One of my favorite things...quiet time
A few plans for the rest of the week: easy day today, then dd is going to her grandparents tomorrow night! maybe pumpkins this weekend depends on the weather!

Enjoying complete silence. S is in bed. J left to the store. Nag champa burning. I can hear the clocks around the house ticking. Wondering if my body is ever going to feel healed after the d&c. Pain sometimes wracks my body so suddenly, it takes my breathe away. The cat is nestled into the back of the couch, the dog is dreaming flicking her feet back and forth, making noises. I wonder what she dreams about. Silence is a completely different form of wonderful, when your child is finally sleeping, your spouse is not around. It's very unfamiliar. I tend to not know what to do with myself when this very rarely occurs. I can hear the cars driving past our house. The calmness of evening. I feel overloaded by noise most of the day. I wake to a kitty cat of a girl meowing in my face, shrieking to get up as the days light hasn't even broken through the sky. I remind myself to remember the blessing of her, of her life, living, breathing, moving healthy body. She sleeps completely alone in her own room now, a goal we'd been working towards for ever but I really miss her in bed curled between J and I. Her little hands reaching out for me, her feet on my legs, her baby breathe when she snuggles close. Now I get morning snuggles for a few minutes, because she is just such a busy girl. We play hide under the covers every morning while waiting for J to get out of the shower. She giggles when he asks just where oh where can she be? I get her to lay in our bed until I can see light peaking from behind our curtains. The days have been starting so coldly, the frost blanketing our lawn, the trees. I love the stark morning sky, the world just stumbling onto itself, the new possibilities that today my heart will feel healed. The blessing of everyday. That no matter how frustrated I feel, I know that I am beyond blessed just to hold one of my children in my arms, that I get to see her smile, and grow. The silence is good, meditative.

physical memory. emotions rushing back through sensation. fear and terror. upset and loss. it's impossible to heal when your body keeps putting you through the motions. my body capable of carrying, capable of loosing. of ending a life it chose to start. it's this constant seemingly unending spiral i am spinning in. my body isn't healed, my heart isn't, my head is no where near sane. half of the time i force it out of my head, force myself to ignore the pain and the other half my body overwhelms me, strangles me, leaves me choking on my memories. yesterday i broke down and cried. not even a cry that brings relief, but just a cry that lets out the craziness inside, the racking, sobbing that hurts and made me unable to catch my breath. it comes out of nowhere and latches on like a shark, refusing to let go, to let me come above the surface.

i spend too much time fantasizing about the future. too much time buried in the past. i have a difficult time being in the now. staying focused on what is here, in front of me and tangible. it's so much easier to wallow or to daydream.

i had a thought of how peaceful it must to be to be sure of your afterlife. to be certain in your faith or beliefs as to where you will end up. i mostly feel like i'm lost.

My mind is absolutely frazzled this morning, why does S insist on waking at 5am? Why when I finally convince her to come into our bed so I might possibly catch a bit of sleep does she curl up to me and kick me, talk to me and sneeze on my face? All while J sleeps right through it? 5 hours is about half the amount of sleep I need. I even went to bed early at 10, read until just after 11 but then it took me past midnight to fall asleep. It didn't help that the last chapter of the book I'm reading talked about the death of a little girl.

Right now I'm okay with having a quiet morning, even though my list of errands is pretty long.

Last night my dad gave me my grandma's sweet 16 ring that her father had given her. I don't think I'd seen it before, it's really beautiful. Reminds me a lot of my engagement ring that was my grandma's (my moms) He also showed me some pictures of his grandfather, and all his tattoos, drivers licenses...one was especially cool, from Panama in the 1920s. Sometimes the lack of knowledge about my own history is upsetting, and lack of family as a whole. I truly love my family, I just wish my parents would talk openly about their families. I know my dad has a ton of pictures of his; I'd truly love a picture of my grandma on her wedding day. It's so strange to look at pictures of people you've never met and to see yourself so clearly in their faces. But it's also interesting to hear about the parts of Germany we come from, how far back we can trace, family that is now in the states. ramble ramble.

Back to the ring, I'm going to take it into the jewelers today and have it looked at. I don't think the stones have been checked in a long long time and the gold needs a good cleaning. My dad said he wants me to pass it onto S when she turns 16. I think that would be beautiful.

It feels like a lifetime has passed in the span of two months. Only 2 months, 8 weeks. really? that's all it's been? I have placed the loss at the back of my mind, hidden in a chamber. I try not to allow myself access; I don't know if I'm just not ready to deal with it or don't know how to deal with it. So for right now I practice ignorance and blind refusal to confront my pain.

I woke up early this morning, absolutely freezing. It's so strange to wake to total darkness. I find it disorienting. I'd way rather stay in warm blankets and hide. Siiri wakes as early as can be, every single day. I instantly wake to the thought of coffee. She climbed into our bed this morning to snuggle and laid next to me chewing on my hair. She smelled like fresh fruit and sleepy breathe.

The cold air I've been craving seems to be settling in. The crispness of morning, the smell of cold, the leaves dotting our lawn. The only problem with the cold weather is that it encourages my reclusive tendencies. I feel like some days I force myself out of the house, because there are definitely days I'd rather just hide from the world.

Breakfast biscuits are warmed, I can smell them. Coffee is done. Time for both.

just about mother's day, just about my birthday.

I have a bouquet of pink roses, a lily plant and a huge pink plant that I don't know the name of, sitting next to me making our dining room smell divine.

I have morning glories and sunflowers growing that seem to have sprouted overnight from the hand of God. They are incredible! I will have to move them from their trays soon. They are spilling over, crawling up and out to grab onto any ray of sunlight they can.

My brother sent me a beautiful azalea plant for my birthday/mother's day. The UPS guy though didn't seem to care that it was a living plant and left it upside down outside in the rain. So when I opened it the poor plant was split in half but at least the other half is salvageable. Wonderfully enough the company he ordered it from is sending me a new one when I called to tell them I had in fact received half a plant. I cannot wait for it to be warm enough to plant them outside.

I have picked out all my plants for the house for the most part. A lot will depend on cost at time of buying, but I'm hoping to get in forsythias, lilacs, hostas, a japanese maple, and a few other various plants, trees, shrubs. Come fall I am going to plant as many daffodils, tulips and hyacinths as I can afford because I LOVE them all.

S has seemed to potty train herself overnight. Or at least she is finally using the potty, telling me she has to go and going. Which is wonderful because I've really just been lax about it, we've had a potty for her since her 1st birthday and she's used it on and off. But she's had a wicked rash this week from her molars so I thought I'd just let her go nudie booty and she has taken right to it! J and I are pretty surprised because the past few weeks she has been adamantly refusing to go anywhere near it! The second I stopped asking her to use it she went for it! I am just hoping it keeps up, I am so tired of washing diapers! Plus then if she's trained I can start turning all her bumgenius' into snap diapers just in case another little shows up ;)

I wish our weather would just pick a way it wants to be. Last week we were outside every day in summer clothes, I even set up S's kiddie splash pad it was so hot over the weekend. And now it's rainy, cold and I had to turn the heat back on. We are having crazy winds and thunderstorms, I can see out our window that our neighbors very large tree has fallen over in their yard. The birds are helter skelter trying to stay steady in the winds. The newly budded trees seem confused as more leaves depart than come forth. It's fall in the midst of spring.

I have more to say, just not right now. The house is quiet and I should take advantage of it by watching my Queen Elizabeth movie. or maybe Pride and Prejudice. with some tea.

I slept so long last night. Deep deep sleep with the babe, who really isn't a babe anymore but a toddler. We were curled up on her mattress (next to ours) and just zonked out around 9pm and slept until 7 this morning. I can't remember the last I slept so long and solid. It was much needed after this past week where I barely slept for more than 4-6 hour intervals.

It is so so cold out today, and rainy. What to do today?

Our house looks like the "Malcolm in the Middle" house currently. We have ripped up all the old bricks, pulled out all the nasty spider hoarding plants and are preparing to scrape down the house to paint it. But right now it just looks ridiculously bad. And of course our neighbors just put their house up for sale. It makes me laugh because honestly I would never buy a house if the neighbors looked like ours!
When we bought our house it was the only house we could find that really fit our budget comfortably and still put us in a really nice neighborhood, close to everything etc. But the people that lived here before us were disturbingly good at hiding all their laziness when it came to house keeping. So now we are playing fix up with just about everything.

We have painted all the rooms in the house except the living room...mainly because I have no idea what color to paint it. It needs to be done because it has marks on it and they were smokers so on warm days you can smell the stink come out. It just makes me mad how much they lied to us when we bought this house. But it's ours now and we have a ton of work to do on it.

This summer we need to paint the house, landscape the front and back yard, finish the back door, replace the side and front doors (heavy and screen), replace a handful of windows, paint the garage and rip up the last remaining carpet in the living room.

Now that S's bed is back in our room because putting it in her room was pointless, I am debating putting a good majority of her toys upstairs and out of our living room. I have a constant need to rearrange and move things in our house. I get so bored, frustrated, bogged down when the house is the same all the time. Frustrated I guess. But then I tell myself what's the point when she moves into her room all this stuff will come back downstairs. Although that actually happening anytime soon doesn't seem likely.

I went to the dentist for the first time in 13 years a few weeks ago. Of course they found a slew of bad teeth so just yesterday I went for my first session to get 3 fillings done. It wasn't awful honestly. I did have a panic attack when I got there because I didn't know what to expect but now that I do I feel like it's completely something feasible. So I have more fillings to get, then I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled. This I've heard hurts. But I know it has to get done. And I feel like I've learned my lesson. There is no reason to avoid the dentist what so ever, especially after having to put all this money into fixing my mouth, where if I had just gone all along I wouldn't have to! Plus I am looking forward to actually having my teeth be painfree. Crazy what we put up with because we just don't know any different. The pain I'd learned to live with and it was so easily fixed!

I think it's time for more coffee.

This morning

I am achy. Nothing makes me feel old more than an achy body. But the reasoning is silly...it's because I laid down with S for nap yesterday and instead of getting back up, I propped myself up so I could watch Weeds while she slept. Which put my back and neck in an awkward position and when we got up I must have pulled my neck and left shoulder. Pathetic! Last night she stayed in her twin bed until 4am so at least I have a long time to lay flat and somewhat stretch my back out. But it still makes me feel old.
It's not like a post workout pain, where at least I can rationalize it and almost feel proud that my workout was so good it hurt. It's just a you're getting old and things start to pull kind of hurt. Oh well.

It is a beautiful sunny morning. I am waiting for it to get up past 40 so I can hang some clothes out on the line. THE LINE! This is our second summer here and we finally got our line up...it's perfect for our yard, small and retractable. I was hoping to get diapers out on the line but I needed them before I could let them sun dry. I am thinking I'll just lay out enough for today and put the rest out just to get some sun.

I have discovered that our big ol' boxer mix dog has been sleeping like a cat on the back our couch. Which makes me feel so frustrated considering I put up baby gates on the couch so she won't lay on the cushions, I guess that's just not enough!

Not much more to say. Going to hobble off to the library soon. How exciting.

I always have great ideas

about what to write for a blog...that is until I sit down to actually write it.

I find myself constantly writing lists in my head. Things to do, to make, to clean, to cook, to buy, to fix, things I want to write about! Oh mental black hole of forgetfulness you get the better of me sometimes.

I do know I wanted to talk about budgeting. and how crappy and hard it can be. Now that J has quit his second job, the need to budget is even that much more important. Our biggest budget battle is always groceries. One week I can spend $80 then the next $170 then $140 then $100. There is obviously no consistency. So last night I sat down with receipts and started writing out my usual grocery list, but with all the prices this time. I figure now when I go to write my list I can have a price for each item in mind so with every shopping list I can make sure I stay within budget and not get up to the cash out then panic when the cashier says the total. We also went to the farmers market this week and got the majority of our veggies for the week for only $13!

I am hoping every week to create a balance of supplies so that pricier items are spread out better as opposed to me always seeming to run out of them all at once.


Enough budget stuff.
This weekend was great. Busy but fantastic. I have to say I am reveling in the joy of actually having family time. It is very strange to suddenly have a spouse who is around. Things that get put off for when there was time are actually getting done. We have both been doing bedtime with the kiddo, which is amazing. I love all three of us cuddling into our bed, reading, snuggling and watching S fall asleep. All the things that I feel like I've been waiting for emotionally and mentally are happening. I feel really peaceful lately. Which is incredible for me because I'm so used to feeling restless and unsure. Off track here...getting back on...
so yes this weekend was amazing.
Saturday we woke up early to sunshine and decent cool weather (for us that's 40s) We ate some breakfast, bundled up and headed to the farmers market. S kept calling it the "farmers marker" so very cute. We saw some of our favorite farmers from last season there and they all looked like they were doing well. My FAVORITE guy was there with lots of beautiful goodies but by far the best was farm fresh eggs. He said they are hoping to have them 3 weeks of the month because it's only 3 chickens so it's just whatever they lay freely. They were the most beautiful eggs and I'm kicking myself for not taking a picture to post. Browns, tans and two that are the most beautiful shade of pale blue almost grey. You just can't find that at a grocery store. It's not possible.
After we got our veggies we headed over to our bakery guy, I was so SO sad that he didn't have his amazing scones there but got over it when we saw a chocolate mousse layer cake for $5. which is so incredibly cheap for a huge cake :) So of course we HAD to get it ;)

We came home, took our dog for a walk then went to the park. Post park it was naptime for S so she and I laid down. Then J's dad and brother came down for a visit. His brother stayed overnight and I have to say I truly love that guy! He's just the perfect brother in law and S adores him. It was nice because J and I were able to cook and clean up etc while he watched S for us. Just having that extra person made it so ridiculously easy!
Sunday morning J made the MOST delicious breakfast; kebabs with eggs. I put feta and green onions on the top of the eggs....gah SO good. with pita and yogurt...probably the absolute perfect breakfast, at least for me!
After coffee and laying about for a bit after breakfast we got ready for the day and went up to the river to walk. It was absolutely beautiful up there, our dog loved it and S did ok for a bit. But then she wanted to walk, push the stroller, ride in the stroller rinse repeat so we decided it was time for her to eat some lunch. So we hopped back in the car, she ate her lunch on the way to park where we ran her ragged.
BIL went home and we all napped.

All in all the perfect weekend.