My mind is absolutely frazzled this morning, why does S insist on waking at 5am? Why when I finally convince her to come into our bed so I might possibly catch a bit of sleep does she curl up to me and kick me, talk to me and sneeze on my face? All while J sleeps right through it? 5 hours is about half the amount of sleep I need. I even went to bed early at 10, read until just after 11 but then it took me past midnight to fall asleep. It didn't help that the last chapter of the book I'm reading talked about the death of a little girl.

Right now I'm okay with having a quiet morning, even though my list of errands is pretty long.

Last night my dad gave me my grandma's sweet 16 ring that her father had given her. I don't think I'd seen it before, it's really beautiful. Reminds me a lot of my engagement ring that was my grandma's (my moms) He also showed me some pictures of his grandfather, and all his tattoos, drivers licenses...one was especially cool, from Panama in the 1920s. Sometimes the lack of knowledge about my own history is upsetting, and lack of family as a whole. I truly love my family, I just wish my parents would talk openly about their families. I know my dad has a ton of pictures of his; I'd truly love a picture of my grandma on her wedding day. It's so strange to look at pictures of people you've never met and to see yourself so clearly in their faces. But it's also interesting to hear about the parts of Germany we come from, how far back we can trace, family that is now in the states. ramble ramble.

Back to the ring, I'm going to take it into the jewelers today and have it looked at. I don't think the stones have been checked in a long long time and the gold needs a good cleaning. My dad said he wants me to pass it onto S when she turns 16. I think that would be beautiful.

It feels like a lifetime has passed in the span of two months. Only 2 months, 8 weeks. really? that's all it's been? I have placed the loss at the back of my mind, hidden in a chamber. I try not to allow myself access; I don't know if I'm just not ready to deal with it or don't know how to deal with it. So for right now I practice ignorance and blind refusal to confront my pain.

I woke up early this morning, absolutely freezing. It's so strange to wake to total darkness. I find it disorienting. I'd way rather stay in warm blankets and hide. Siiri wakes as early as can be, every single day. I instantly wake to the thought of coffee. She climbed into our bed this morning to snuggle and laid next to me chewing on my hair. She smelled like fresh fruit and sleepy breathe.

The cold air I've been craving seems to be settling in. The crispness of morning, the smell of cold, the leaves dotting our lawn. The only problem with the cold weather is that it encourages my reclusive tendencies. I feel like some days I force myself out of the house, because there are definitely days I'd rather just hide from the world.

Breakfast biscuits are warmed, I can smell them. Coffee is done. Time for both.