Sunday, September 26, 2010

It feels like a lifetime has passed in the span of two months. Only 2 months, 8 weeks. really? that's all it's been? I have placed the loss at the back of my mind, hidden in a chamber. I try not to allow myself access; I don't know if I'm just not ready to deal with it or don't know how to deal with it. So for right now I practice ignorance and blind refusal to confront my pain.

I woke up early this morning, absolutely freezing. It's so strange to wake to total darkness. I find it disorienting. I'd way rather stay in warm blankets and hide. Siiri wakes as early as can be, every single day. I instantly wake to the thought of coffee. She climbed into our bed this morning to snuggle and laid next to me chewing on my hair. She smelled like fresh fruit and sleepy breathe.

The cold air I've been craving seems to be settling in. The crispness of morning, the smell of cold, the leaves dotting our lawn. The only problem with the cold weather is that it encourages my reclusive tendencies. I feel like some days I force myself out of the house, because there are definitely days I'd rather just hide from the world.

Breakfast biscuits are warmed, I can smell them. Coffee is done. Time for both.

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