Saturday, December 26, 2009

I need to organize!

I'm sure it's just because there is an influx of "stuff" in the house because of the holidays but I feel like I'm loosing my mind in our small house. We have a total of 4 closets in the house, 2 are for bedrooms, 1 is our linen and the other is a front closet. Everything is always out because quite frankly there is no place to put it away, and without a basement our garage catches the overflow. So our garage isn't a garage but an extended storage unit that is overflowing, which stinks because I'd love to have a garage to use! I'd also love to not have to look at every single toy Siiri has, or all our books, blankets etc. And don't even get me started on our kitchen. Not only is there no counter space but no storage space for that matter; the previous owners took the doors off the cabinets so we have no doors and everything is visible. Every pot, pan, plate, cup, coffee mug...and I feel like I clean constantly yet there is never any order! It's so frustrating, I know J is sick of hearing about it and I feel bad but honestly I grew up in a house where there was space for storage. It just makes me feel very overwhelmed, like can't breathe overwhelmed by how messy the house gets and so quickly.
I don't want to go buy things either because that'll just take up more space that we don't have. I guess I just don't know how to live small :( I want to be able to, and I keep getting rid of things but I can't seem to manage all the toys, books bla bla bla. I want some semblence of order so I'm not embarassed everytime people come over with all our stuff being out and having really no place to put it.
Where's Nate Berkus when you need him?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

So now the house is quiet. DH and SG are asleep upstairs, and I should be there too cuddling with them. But I am trying to make time to get words out of my head and into the world, be it on paper or here.
I cannot believe tomorrow is Christmas. It feels like but doesn't. There wasn't a lot of rigamarole around it this year, it was very easy. I shopped early, had SG's presents done with around Thanksgiving, and just bought small for my parents etc. I can't believe this is her third christmas, will I think that every year this is her X number of times around?
I'm sitting in our living room looking at the tree and I've noticed all the ornaments have migrated north by mama's hand to keep them from grabby little fingers. It looks silly and makes me chuckle that really only the top half of our tree is decorated fully and the bottom half is pretty sparse and empty looking. By the time she stops taking ornaments off the tree and knows better, I'm sure there will another babe in the house that will be pulling them off just the same as she did.
I want another baby. I don't know if it's all the new babies I know of that will be joining our world soon or seeing newborn pictures or just plain biology but I feel achy for another baby. But it is a very scary thing to think of another. Being pregnant again, and if it's anything like it was with SG being sick sick sick will not be fun. There are days I think I'm going crazy just being home with her and I can't imagine why I'd ever want another, but that doesn't stop my heart and body from wanting a baby again. It's very strange to try and contend with your own biology, like now that the switch has been flipped it's an open gate and there will always be a mass pouring of desire for another child. I think because of how things went with SG I am anxious for my chance to do it the "right" way. I get disgusted when I see moms who choose to labor with drugs, not nurse, put their babies in cribs but maybe it's bc I've never been in that spot. I don't know what labor is bc I didn't go through it. I went through a hospital game that I pray to God I never have to deal with ever again. I want the chance to be powerful, to own my birth, to push my own baby out of my body like I'm supposed to; not have it taken from me, taken away from me, made me to feel foolish, angry, upset and deprived of the grace and beauty of birth.
I don't understand woman who want to schedule their births, or want to deliver early. I just don't. I cannot fathom not following your body, your design. Now. At this point. But I did doubt my design, I did doubt my purpose.
I guess it's more just feeling that when I think about another baby all the emotions that I haven't/didn't deal with with SG's birth come up and hit me in the face, making me terrified that I will have to go through it all over again. I want that baby to prove to myself I can do it, I will be able to nurse.
Maybe that is why I fight so hard to hold onto the attachment parenting that I am able to do. I wasn't allowed my happy birth, so now I feel like I fight back by APing. Because I couldn't breastfeed I cosleep, because I want my girl to feel that security, that safety, that closeness to me that we could have missed out on. That's why I still babywear, it's not a burden, it's not incredible. It's mothering. It's mothering based on what I know and feel is best. It's providing a safe, loving way for my girl to feel secure when she's reeling. When she's tantruming and wants just me and all my attention I wear her, to support her emotionally, to hold her. Because there will come a day when I can't just pick her up and hold her and cuddle all her problems away, but I am hoping that the groundwork I am laying now will help her to establish a relationship with me where I can carry her.
so i just revamped this whole thing...and i have no idea how to use blogger honestly. i haven't had a blog since xangaland and that was so ridiculously easy that anyone could figure it out. i don't know how to find people to follow or blogs to follow/read etc. of course i had a whole blog planned out in my head while i took a shower i wrote it in my head and now that i'm sitting down to write it i can't remember it. lame.
i shaved my legs for the first time in a couple of months tonight. it felt good and weird at the same time. it was also the first time i've showered without the kiddo in over a month is my guess. i'm not really sure but i think it's been that long! it's definitely hard being with my bug all the time but i am trying to treasure it as much it's frustrating.
i am not making coherent sentences as DH is talking to me and the tv is on.
I will try for another entry soon as I'm finding a bit more laptop time happening lately.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i forgot i had this.
i used to be so good about keeping a blog.
now i am lucky to remember it.

i am so grateful for this decent weather. it's still a bit cold but at least it's enough to get out of the house, and take the kid to the park so she can burn off energy. i am enjoying this age. for the most part. sg can be really difficult because her communication skills aren't completely there, and it can be so frustrating. but i do like that we can now do "things". like play outside, run around, tea parties etc.

i know i have a better, more intelligent post in me somewhere.
maybe after a glass of wine?