We are approaching 4 months since loosing Anneli. I would have been 30 weeks right now. It's hard not to do the "shoulds and woulds" I should be pregnant. I should have been pregnant for Thanksgiving, S birthday, Christmas, New Year. I was looking forward to be pregnant through the winter. Sometimes I lay down at night and imagine what my belly would feel like underneath my hands. I think constantly of pregnancy, babies, my baby. I tried so hard to tell myself that I am okay and don't want another, but it feels more defensive than truthful. The other night as sick as I felt, throbbing head, fever, burning throat I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her small body as it came out. Her hands by her face. Her feet, her knees, her tiny bottom, her ears, her sweet closed eyes. Before getting pregnant I had foolishly been praying for a girl born in winter (which she would have been)...and now I don't care if I have to be pregnant in 95* weather I just want a healthy baby who makes it full term, who is born healthy, who stays with me on this earth.

I am totally making these for Thanksgiving. I love pie, so pie on a stick?! Could it be any better?

The indoor season is already underway, and so early on there are signs of craziness. The cat restlessly prowls the house, meowing at the windows, at my feet for some attention, some diversion from the lockdown feeling in the house. The dog goes out only to come running back full force, pounding her feet into the back door, scratching repeatedly to be let in from the chill. She is relentless when S tries to play, pouncing at her, trying to play with the toys alongside. It would normally be very cute, but S screams at her, shrieks, cries basically has a freakout if the dog attempts to play with her...unless it's on her terms. I already feel burnout from being in the house so much.

I want to start some semblance of school this year with S. I have to break our morning routine. Mornings are S waking in her room around 5:45/6am, she'll turn her music on, her lights and play while J and I try to sleep until 6:15ish. Then I take S downstairs, make coffee, turn on music, play a bit, have some fruit. We take J to work at 7:30 (only 1 car) then come back....then she watches Curious George for 15 minutes and if I'm lazy something after that. She has come to expect tv in the morning and I don't like her watching it for an hour, but I use it as a way to play online, make lists for the day, or just read. I'm not against her watching 15 minutes of CG, it just her constant begging for it which makes me realize I need to stop having the tv on. MWF we are usually at the gym by 9am -not today though- so that's our usual routine. I guess I'm thinking if I'm going to do specific "school" activities I'd like to do them earlier in the day. I know she's young and is just learning by being around all day but I do like the idea of getting into a school time pattern so next year when we begin preschool things she'll know what to expect. Even if it's just 30 minutes of looking at letters, or tracing, or something.

today is the first day of nanowrimo. i signed up figuring it would be a great way to exercise some pent up mental needs, but i've never considered writing a novel. i think i'm more of a scattered poetry, scribbler. i figure i'll just start typing and see what happens.

i want to skip the gym this morning and just clean my house. i have a ridiculous pile of laundry to put away, how do 3 people accumulate so much? it was a little more understandable to have more laundry when we were cloth diapering but now it just feels a bit extreme. i've gotten rid of so much clothing but still i feel like it's too much. S has a criminal amount of clothing, and it's all very nice, but i can't help but ponder why an almost 3 year old has so many worldly possessions.

i want to rearrange furniture, scrub floors, tidy closets. Is that strange? i feel like a house is an overwhelming garden of weeds some days, that is just so tedious to maintain. I think about all the stuff we have, we could easily do without, but J has holding tendencies that makes getting rid of more difficult. While it's nice to have nice things, I definitely feel bogged down by it. With S's birthday and the holidays coming up, I dread the influx that will come into our house. I'd much rather she just received money towards college than any gifts.

Time for more coffee and cleaning.