Monday, November 22, 2010
We are approaching 4 months since loosing Anneli. I would have been 30 weeks right now. It's hard not to do the "shoulds and woulds" I should be pregnant. I should have been pregnant for Thanksgiving, S birthday, Christmas, New Year. I was looking forward to be pregnant through the winter. Sometimes I lay down at night and imagine what my belly would feel like underneath my hands. I think constantly of pregnancy, babies, my baby. I tried so hard to tell myself that I am okay and don't want another, but it feels more defensive than truthful. The other night as sick as I felt, throbbing head, fever, burning throat I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her small body as it came out. Her hands by her face. Her feet, her knees, her tiny bottom, her ears, her sweet closed eyes. Before getting pregnant I had foolishly been praying for a girl born in winter (which she would have been)...and now I don't care if I have to be pregnant in 95* weather I just want a healthy baby who makes it full term, who is born healthy, who stays with me on this earth.