Monday, November 22, 2010

We are approaching 4 months since loosing Anneli. I would have been 30 weeks right now. It's hard not to do the "shoulds and woulds" I should be pregnant. I should have been pregnant for Thanksgiving, S birthday, Christmas, New Year. I was looking forward to be pregnant through the winter. Sometimes I lay down at night and imagine what my belly would feel like underneath my hands. I think constantly of pregnancy, babies, my baby. I tried so hard to tell myself that I am okay and don't want another, but it feels more defensive than truthful. The other night as sick as I felt, throbbing head, fever, burning throat I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her small body as it came out. Her hands by her face. Her feet, her knees, her tiny bottom, her ears, her sweet closed eyes. Before getting pregnant I had foolishly been praying for a girl born in winter (which she would have been)...and now I don't care if I have to be pregnant in 95* weather I just want a healthy baby who makes it full term, who is born healthy, who stays with me on this earth.


  1. I am so sorry you know this pain.
    I can't imagine being haunted by those images.
    Much love.

  2. :( I've very sorry. I know quite a lot of women who have suffered as you have. May the Lord lift you up and be able to encourage others who might go through this that you know of in the future.

  3. Please, please go easy on yourself....losses like this don't fade easily, and there's no reason that you have to weigh yourself down with the idea of the ifs or whens of another baby. It's hard, I's always on your mind, one way or another. Like that Barbara Kingsolver quote that I remember you sharing a while ago....a mother's body remembers her children. I think that a mother's body also has an inkling or what's to come, somehow. All of those longings, wrapped up together, somehow psychically. So yes...please go easy on yourself. Your body and your spirit will take care of the ifs and whens for the time being.