Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Enjoying complete silence. S is in bed. J left to the store. Nag champa burning. I can hear the clocks around the house ticking. Wondering if my body is ever going to feel healed after the d&c. Pain sometimes wracks my body so suddenly, it takes my breathe away. The cat is nestled into the back of the couch, the dog is dreaming flicking her feet back and forth, making noises. I wonder what she dreams about. Silence is a completely different form of wonderful, when your child is finally sleeping, your spouse is not around. It's very unfamiliar. I tend to not know what to do with myself when this very rarely occurs. I can hear the cars driving past our house. The calmness of evening. I feel overloaded by noise most of the day. I wake to a kitty cat of a girl meowing in my face, shrieking to get up as the days light hasn't even broken through the sky. I remind myself to remember the blessing of her, of her life, living, breathing, moving healthy body. She sleeps completely alone in her own room now, a goal we'd been working towards for ever but I really miss her in bed curled between J and I. Her little hands reaching out for me, her feet on my legs, her baby breathe when she snuggles close. Now I get morning snuggles for a few minutes, because she is just such a busy girl. We play hide under the covers every morning while waiting for J to get out of the shower. She giggles when he asks just where oh where can she be? I get her to lay in our bed until I can see light peaking from behind our curtains. The days have been starting so coldly, the frost blanketing our lawn, the trees. I love the stark morning sky, the world just stumbling onto itself, the new possibilities that today my heart will feel healed. The blessing of everyday. That no matter how frustrated I feel, I know that I am beyond blessed just to hold one of my children in my arms, that I get to see her smile, and grow. The silence is good, meditative.