Sunday, October 31, 2010

the sky is brilliantly blue, the clouds are wisps of flotsam, the tree stretch up. the last of the leaves are falling. my favorite season seems to be prematurely winding down. dust motes meander through the curtains, the cat stares intently at something outside, that I simply cannot find. the quiet that I am trying to create is overthrown by a demanding almost three year old. She is so much of me that sometimes, I find her frustrating in the very same context I irritate myself. Her stubbornness, her precise personality, and her pushing of independence is her holding a mirror up to me.

I am struggling a lot lately, as I have done a lot since S was born, with just where I am going. I feel so incredibly direction less. I'm not saying I was structured to the T before, but I at least felt much more able to accomplish what I wanted. I have such internal conflict about what I want. It's like I just realized I am approaching 30 with no career, no experience, and while I went to college, there is nothing there to fall back on. I tell myself it is okay to be "just a mom" but it's just not how I see myself. I honestly never saw myself having children, I always thought I'd just have a career and travel for that, live in a big city etc. And I struggle with that woman inside of me who still wants those things. I completely suck at finding any type of balance, whether is emotional, relationship, food-related. I feel like if I go back to school, choose a career, I will be done with kids. Mainly I say that because I don't want to put my kids in daycare or go back to school, go into debt just to get pregnant, stay home again and then not even start working for a good time after that. But I'm pretty certain I am not done. If we could right now, without finances being an issue, I think we'd be more open to babies. But since we struggle so completely right now, another baby to feed, cloth etc just seems irresponsible. This kind of internal conflict is so wasteful because I feel like I am not in the now, with always looking forward to figure out what is next. I honestly wish I could just have a life planner sit me down and tell me how to manage, what/where I should be doing. I guess that'd be God, huh?

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