Monday, October 4, 2010

physical memory. emotions rushing back through sensation. fear and terror. upset and loss. it's impossible to heal when your body keeps putting you through the motions. my body capable of carrying, capable of loosing. of ending a life it chose to start. it's this constant seemingly unending spiral i am spinning in. my body isn't healed, my heart isn't, my head is no where near sane. half of the time i force it out of my head, force myself to ignore the pain and the other half my body overwhelms me, strangles me, leaves me choking on my memories. yesterday i broke down and cried. not even a cry that brings relief, but just a cry that lets out the craziness inside, the racking, sobbing that hurts and made me unable to catch my breath. it comes out of nowhere and latches on like a shark, refusing to let go, to let me come above the surface.

i spend too much time fantasizing about the future. too much time buried in the past. i have a difficult time being in the now. staying focused on what is here, in front of me and tangible. it's so much easier to wallow or to daydream.

i had a thought of how peaceful it must to be to be sure of your afterlife. to be certain in your faith or beliefs as to where you will end up. i mostly feel like i'm lost.


  1. The crying, letting go of the craziness, it hurts...but it's so necessary. I'm praying for your healing...not for forgetting, because that's impossible and unjust...but for healing and release. This kind of loss is so certainly the most difficult for us, we aren't created to be able to let go the way that we physically have to.
    Our first loss was five years ago this week, and it's still fresh and new some days. I still find myself choking back on it, because I'm not meant to forget it...but I did eventually come to a place where I felt at peace about it. I pray that the same peace finds you, as well, when it's time for it to be felt.

  2. thank you Em. I'm sorry you had a loss as well. It's just very hard to finally wrap my brain around it all. I feel I'm just struggling with all the feelings and not knowing what to do.