Last week was a rough week. It literally felt like something was off with the planets, something kept dragging at me, pulling on me, making me feel itchy and stifled. It didn't help that this also seemed to be effecting the kiddo; so her and I felt like we were at odds all week. By Thursday when she threw a huge tantrum at her gym class, I felt like I'd had it. I was so embarrassed and I instantly feel like everyone is staring at me, criticizing me that I just shut down and want to cry. So I did. I got her out of the classroom and made it to the truck. I burst into tears and sobbed for a good 10 minutes in the parking lot. S was crying too, which made it all that much worse. I cried the whole car ride home, and for a bit after that. I think that was just the catalyst to get everything moving that needed to come out.
After thinking on the situation pretty much non-stop I realized that I can only do what I can, and that certain expectation of a 2 year old are just impossible.
I am praying that this week is much better than last. I did have a break, S went to my parents Friday night til Saturday, my brother in law was down here Sat-Sun and S LOVES him so they were happily occupied.
I need to work much harder on being patient. Because S instantly reflects my impatience with her own. Which is just no good! It's hard because I have absolutely no patience, for just about anything. I never have, and it's killing me to constantly be challenged by this little one.
Every single day I pray. I pray mostly that we will get some sort of financial break, or relief. Because I feel like if we keep going at this rate of J working pretty much nonstop 8am-10pm everyday we are going to explode. I feel the burnout all the time, between us, for him, with him. We are both exhausted by finances. It's rough because I don't want to complain because we could have it much much worse, but I am always alone with S and he is always working. We lack serious balance. I pray that he can find a job where he only has to work one job. I pray for normal hours so he can actually see S. Mainly I just want him to be around so we can be together, so I don't feel like I'm parenting by myself, so S stops crying/asking for him all day long.
I am so ready for winter to be over. For spring to come, for mud, for flowers, for sunlight, for S to play outside and stop climbing the walls of our house.